(highlight:: To avoid conflict is to avoid growth and evolution of your relationship
Summary:
Conflict avoidance does not mean avoiding conflict altogether, but rather using conflict as an opportunity for growth and finding better solutions.
By embracing conflict and leaning into it, we can accelerate evolution and achieve outcomes beyond our imagination.
Transcript:
Speaker 1
So when I'm saying conflict avoidance, what I'm not saying is that you're using like, if you're not conflict avoidance, then you're set, then you're not using conflict to get what you Want, what you're doing is you're allowing conflict to get something better than you could actually imagine. And so what I mean there is that there's, there's typically if there's two people and they are close or they're working together, they love each other and they start having conflict There. That is the room for growth for a better solution. That's like, that is the natural tension of evolution. And to avoid it, you avoid the evolution. If you go into it, then you, then you speed the evolution. So it's not creating tension. It's noticing the tension that's there, the conflict that's there, the friction that's there and then leaning in instead of leaning away from it.)
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(highlight:: Why People Are Conflict Avoidant: Fear of Anger, Losing Love, and Being Loved
Summary:
People avoid conflict because they are scared of their own anger and scared of other people's anger.
They fear losing love, being abandoned, and being seen and loved. Conflict avoidance prevents them from showing up as their true selves and receiving genuine love.
Transcript:
Speaker 2
What makes people avoid conflict? Wow.
Speaker 1
A lot of it has to do with scared of their own anger or scare and therefore scared of other people's anger. Like fear of anger has a tremendous amount to do with it for most folks. They're scared of losing love. So oh, if I say what I want, if I say what doesn't work for me, we saw that today in masterclass, right? It's like that fear of losing your love, losing love being abandoned. But the one that I think people don't see that is really important to see is that it is a fear of being seen and being loved. Love is very scary if you really let it all the way in. It'll blow you apart and it'll break you open. And so I think if you are conflict avoidant means you're not showing up as you and therefore you can't be loved. And so you're actually preventing love from happening. So it's like the way I would say it is if I am conflict avoidant, I'm not showing up in my truth. If I'm not showing up in my truth, nobody can love me from my truth, which means they can't love me. They're loving some part thing of me that I'm putting forth in the world. Some image, some projection of what I think I should be.)
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(highlight:: Avoiding Conflict Doesn't Make It Go Away, It Just Goes Inward
Summary:
The conflict never disappears; it only shifts internally.
Thoughts like 'I should take care of myself' or 'It's my fault' create internal conflicts. Feeling that it's pointless or that others won't understand also adds to the conflict.
Transcript:
Speaker 2
A common thread that I hear in all of these is that the conflict doesn't go away. It just goes internal. Like, I should take care of myself is an internal conflict. It's my fault is an internal conflict. It's pointless. They won't get it. Not worth it. Still kind of, still kind of a conflict.)
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(highlight:: Conflict is like a Factory: Once Issues Are Addressed, Everything Runs Smoother
Summary:
Conflict is essential for personal growth and improving relationships.
Just like in a factory, finding and resolving friction leads to smoother operations. It's better to embrace conflict and learn from it, rather than avoiding it.
Through practice, conflict can become a valuable opportunity for growth and learning.
Transcript:
Speaker 1
The conflict is the, the gris for the evolutionary mill. Like it is the exact place that we need to lean in and to learn to resolve it's, it's, it's very much like if you're running a factory, your job is to go and find all the extra friction, psychological Friction or physical friction. And you like you look for it, you get excited because you see it because if you can work that issue, then all of a sudden everything runs smoother. And it's the same thing inside of a relationship. And so if you're in any way leaning into the conflict in which it doesn't smooth it out, then there's still something to learn about how to lean into conflict. However, I'd far rather have somebody lean into conflict occasionally and get it wrong than to completely lean at like, I'm not going to have conflict until I am in a perfect position That I can go in and do it the right way. It's like there's no faith in other people in that. And you know that, I would say, don't do that. It's a fine balance, but you'll know it. You'll know that you'll know how like if you do this as a practice, you get better and better at having conflict and you get better and better at making each, each moment of conflict deep Teaching and learning.)
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