In my work providing training and coaching for organizations looking to address culture, I always tell people to do their own work first. Do the internal work of checking your own beliefs and values and exploring how they contribute to the very world you seek to change.
- Location 87
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If only we could change everyone else then all would be right with the world! Only it doesn’t work that way. To make change, we must be the change. All change we wish to manifest, we must make first in ourselves.
- Location 96
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Leaders who create emotional spaces for themselves and others are able to build true community inside organizations, and give their teams the blueprints, skills, practice, and tools they need to create impact.
- Location 102
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Our interactions, particularly around power and in spaces where inequity exists, are defined by the dominant values of the culture we are in—we are fish in water, sometimes privileged to swim our whole life without recognizing the ways that patriarchal white supremacist norms have defined our modes of interacting, communicating, and building together.
- Location 106
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Old ways of getting and maintaining power are centered in concepts of scarcity thinking, “us versus them” mentality, and control from the top down.
- Location 108
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We reinforce existing power structures with every interaction. Leaders who make environments for others decide the kind of power relationships that will exist among those being helped and those helping.
- Location 109
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One of the earliest definitions of leadership I used was this: it’s getting people to do something they don’t want to do. I am guilty myself sometimes—and I know I’m not alone—of asking in frustration, “How can I get all these people to do what I want them to do?” Unfortunately, this way of thinking about leadership and making change in the world is all too common. Implicit in that framework is a mental model of manipulation, power, and coercion. That is not leadership, at least not in my book. The best definition of leadership that I’ve encountered I learned from LaShawn Chatmon at the National Equity Project. They define leadership as taking responsibility for what matters to you.
- Location 134
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- [note::I feel like I read something that talked about "coercive dynamics" - maybe it was the Tee Barnett podcast?]

A lot of what I suggest goes against the grain of our culture: That work has to be hard That if we’re not suffering, we won’t be effective That it’s unprofessional to be emotional at work That it’s more important to be polite than to be real
- Location 169
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If you would like to receive a consolidated PDF of all the Act Now sections, go to www.billionsinstitute.com/impactwithintegrity and I encourage you to download one immediately.
- Location 186
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Doing the work of social change every day is admirable. But you also have to do the inner work every day, too. By “inner work,” I mean that you need to fix what isn’t working on the inside before you can begin to address what isn’t working on the outside, in the greater web of life.
- Location 240
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in 2020, The Wellbeing Project produced an in-depth report called “How Changemakers’ Inner Wellbeing Influences Their Work.”
- Location 263
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One study of nonprofits’ and NGOs’ employees found that 42 percent of respondents believed their job was detrimental to their mental health. Another study found that individuals in the “helping” professions (nurses, doctors, teachers, and therapists) are prone to a high level of trauma and depression due to the nature of their work because it requires them to care for others. In a 2015 study of human rights advocates, 19 percent met the criteria for PTSD diagnosis, while 15 percent met the threshold for depression. Lest we think this is only relevant for those working in the medical or mental health fields, it’s not. A 2020 survey of over 1,300 active-duty law enforcement officers from across the US found that 59 percent of those surveyed reported feeling trapped or hopeless about their jobs. Forty-seven percent tested positive for PTSD—about nine to ten times greater than the general population.
- Location 265
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Another study of 10,000 nonprofit professionals found that more than 90 percent of respondents regarded burnout as the principal reason for leaving the sector.
- Location 276
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What I wish I had said that day would go something like this: Anderson, I get that question often, and here’s the problem with it: It assumes homeless people are to blame for being homeless in the first place. It puts the blame entirely on them for their situation with no corresponding critique of you and me and everyone else and the ways we, too, are responsible for the existence of homelessness in our society.
- Location 323
- pink,
- [note::This is a nice reframing, but it feels like a dodge. What if this argument doesn't speak to Anderson's values or many of the people who watch 60 Minutes?]

Kathlyn even likes to spell it “response-ability” to highlight that it is an ability or a skill one can learn versus an obligation or admonition that we bark at children so they will “be more responsible.” It’s so much more than that. In its most simple form, responsibility is an ongoing choice to respond to each moment as it arises. Being responsible is not a one-and-done kind of thing; it is a way of being in the world.
- Location 344
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- [note::I actually really like this framing - Responsibility = Response + ability = Your ability to respond effectively to different circumstances]

we all live and work within a broader context of oppression. By oppression I mean the pressing down effect of the unjust exercise of force.
- Location 390
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Take any social issue that any of us have dedicated our lives to, then start peeling that onion for the underlying root causes, and eventually you will get to oppression. Unfortunately, there is no single wizard-behind-the-curtains, nameable, finger-pointable thing that is oppression. That would be too easy. Yet everything we do rests on millennia of extracting labor from people without paying fairly for it and extracting resources from the earth without paying the full price of the externalities.
- Location 393
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This fundamental injustice, this abuse of power, is simply, unfortunately, business as usual on planet Earth. If oppression didn’t exist, the vast majority of us who find meaningful employment in the social sector would be out of a job. In fact, we have jobs precisely because of the broader context of oppression that created the conditions many of us accept as “normal.”
- Location 396
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- [note::What do you call this? "Positive oppression"? "Benefiting from oppression"?]

What This Work Requires
- Location 404
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Perhaps the most important part of the story is what she didn’t do. She did not roll up her sleeves and take over like the Hero persona, though she certainly could have. She didn’t have even the slightest shred of blame or criticism in her tone like the Villain persona. And she definitely didn’t curl up into a ball and wish it all away like the Victim persona. This is what happens when you bypass the Drama Triangle and instead just get to work. By simply telling me to unfuck this, she gave me a template for how to get big things done—big impact with no drama—at the tender age of twenty-five.
- Location 437
-
- [note::Sometimes, the best leadership is NO leadership (handing over your power to someone else who is just as able/willing to address the situation as you)]

Take a few minutes and ask yourself the following questions: Am I at a point in my life where I can be introspective and reflect on what’s actually happening in the world and in my work? Am I willing to tell myself the truth? Am I open to learning whatever it is I want and need to learn from my situation? Am I at a place emotionally and mentally where I’m able to face some things that might upset me? Who are my allies and mentors I can count on for support? To the extent that I may be impacted by not having good choices in my life right now, am I nonetheless willing to acknowledge these barriers and still exercise my agency and power?
- Location 460
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Place a check mark by all the items listed below that are true for you now, and circle any items that are important for you to learn and integrate going forward. I reliably notice what body sensations and feelings I am experiencing in the moment. I access my millions-of-years-old evolutionary body intelligence and use it to augment my rational intelligence when I’m making decisions. I can detect almost instantly when I am, or someone else is, afraid. I shift out of fear and into presence at will. I disengage myself from and, with permission, help others defuse most forms of interpersonal drama, freeing up a tremendous amount of creative energy for things that are more useful. I stay open to learning and being curious, even when someone is saying something that I disagree with. I speak what is true for me, in a way that often invites others into deeper connection and relationship with me. I know what I care about, what I’m really good at doing, and what fuels my aliveness, and I spend most of my time in my genius. Perhaps most important of all: I can shift contexts at will. Through my choice of words and actions, I can create openings that are filled with new possibilities. I catch myself when I am feeling entitled and shift my awareness to appreciation. I notice when I am withholding important information from somebody and share my truth in a way that is unarguable (that is, it cannot be argued with). I say yes to what I experience, a “full-body yes.” In other words, I only say yes when I am fully on board with something. I say no when I experience anything other than a full-body yes. I keep my agreements without needing to be reminded. I proactively change agreements that are no longer working for me. I choose whether or not I want to take action on any given issue and redirect my attention accordingly.
- Location 470
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- [note::The bullets about "fully body yes" and "proactively changing agreements that are no longer working" resonate.]

As soon as Paul told me we were on track to be the 30,000 Homes Campaign instead of the 100,000 Homes Campaign, without any conscious effort on my part, my brain started calculating excuses: We’ve been so busy in the field doing the work, tracking the actual numbers just wasn’t as important. We know we should have done this sooner, but we didn’t have the right capabilities on our team. I mean, 30,000 is still pretty good, right? Maybe we were too ambitious in setting our goals. None of these excuses would have done a darn thing to get one more person into housing, but they offered me temporary psychological relief from my fear of failure. From my perch (on the Drama Triangle) it seemed as though things were happening to me. To our team.
- Location 555
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- [note::This is a real risk - be very weary of your reactions to bad news. Your brain is going to try everything it can to come up with excuses and reduce your emotional burden.]

But nobody on the team wanted to vote. Everybody wanted to stay with it and find consensus.
- Location 600
- pink,
- [note::This is silly. You vote to assess how much consensus there is - you don't achieve consensus (at least accurately) by just feeling the vibes of a discussion.]

Clarifying your commitment requires you to differentiate between your yeses and your nos, resolve your ambivalence, get clear on what you want and what you are willing to do, and commit to a direction. Your ability to commit is the most creative tool in your change leader toolkit.
- Location 629
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While there are countless ways you can shift the context, I’ve narrowed it down to four that are especially relevant for social change leaders: Shifting the context from entitlement to appreciation Shifting the context from concealing to revealing Shifting the context from vague agreements to healthy agreements Shifting the context from mediocrity to genius
- Location 663
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- [note::So fucking vague]

Facing Your Challenges means being willing to be with reality as it is. Not how we want it to be, but what is real, right now. To start the facing process, ask yourself the following: ‒Am I creating the change I want to create in the world? ‒Am I living in a way that is aligned with my deepest values? ‒Am I leading in a way that is true to my most authentic self?
- Location 683
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These are the most common organizational dynamics that I’ve seen sabotage change efforts within organizations, teams, and networks: Indecision Blame and criticism Micromanagement Overwork and overwhelm
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And what are organizations, really, other than groups of people presumably with some shared values and norms working toward a common objective? It’s nothing but people and relationships.
- Location 712
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Here are some ways I’ve witnessed leaders bungle decision-making: Meetings where the facilitator solicits input, but the group fails to make a decision or communicate how or when a decision will be made Strategic planning retreats where the leader is reluctant to make decisions Meetings where the leader announces a decision without any process for including others Excruciating community meetings where the presumed need for consensus holds everyone hostage Emails where a decision is made, but it’s so vaguely written that you’re not sure if it implies that you personally should actually do anything
- Location 724
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one of your most important jobs as a leader is to make decisions. That said, you don’t have to make all the decisions yourself. In fact, you shouldn’t. Maybe a better way to say it is that your most important job is to facilitate decision-making. Most of the time when you are leading a group of people or an organization, the best thing you can do is cede the decision-making power to others with thought and care. Take off that hero cape and invite others to the table to make and own the decision. Ideally, delegate decision-making authority to the people who will actually have to live with and implement those decisions.
- Location 731
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In the military, we called this the 3 Ds: Decide, Delegate, and Disappear. This may seem counterintuitive, but if you are constantly trying to make all the decisions by yourself, you will buckle under the weight of that responsibility and you will deprive your colleagues of two things: (1) ownership over those decisions and (2) the developmental opportunity to build their own good judgment that comes with making (bad) decisions over time and learning from them.
- Location 738
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Is indecision (yours or someone else’s) a problem for you right now? If you had a magic wand and could “poof!” the decision into being made, what specific things would you want to be decided? (Examples could be whether or not to enter into a strategic partnership, how much of a bonus to give employees, or what to do about a barrier to your team’s progress.) Once you’ve listed everything you can think of, reflect on your list, and circle the top two or three items that are causing you the most distress. Who is responsible for making those decisions? Is there anything you can do about them right away? On a scale of 1 to 10, how much is this draining energy from your work to change the world? (With 1 meaning “It’s a rock in my emotional shoe” and 10 meaning “This is sucking the life out of me.”) 1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10 Are you willing to support a decision being made?   Yes / No
- Location 762
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- [note::Framework for identifying and making decisions]

I had a false belief that somehow blame and criticism were necessary tools for learning and growth. Now I realize that blame and criticism have zero transformational power. They do not help me or anyone else grow. They do nothing other than reinforce self-righteousness and force others into defensive reactions. They’re antithetical to making the world a better place. They’ve got to go.
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I should note that blame and criticism aren’t reserved just for your colleagues. You might use them on yourself, too. Some people, like me, reflexively orient blame and criticism toward others. Other people, like my wife, tend to orient their blame and criticism inward. Here are some variations on blame and criticism, both “outie” (directed toward others) and “innie” (directed to the self) style,
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In reality, blame and criticism are distractions. They distract you from what’s really important, sow division, and keep you from the more important work of repairing the world.
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“Feedback” is giving another person the gift of revealing to them how you have experienced them.
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- [note::What an interesting definition for feedback! I like how it posits that feedback is a gift and that it is the process of revealing your perceptions about others (which may, of course, be off the mark)]

When you’re blaming or criticizing, you’re attacking another person’s being. When you’re giving feedback, you take responsibility for your own experience and follow up with measurable actions that can be changed. There’s no attack.
- Location 848
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Imagine how different the opening scenario of this chapter would have been if my fellow’s boss had said something like this: “I can tell you are deeply passionate about our work, and I respect you for that. And I noticed in that last meeting I found myself feeling protective of your peers, and then I wondered what the heck was going on for me. I noticed I felt that protective urge when you were pushing back on them about the implementation timeline. I’m making up the story (as in I am literally concocting a story in my head right now) that your expectations aren’t realistic, and I am genuinely curious about what you were experiencing. Can you tell me more about what comes up for you in those moments?”
- Location 849
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- [note::I love this - what an open-minded, tender approach to giving feedback]

Whether I’m on the giving or the receiving end, my sense is that fear is the dominant emotion and trust is the missing currency.
- Location 881
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- [note::Micromanagement = Lack of Trust + Fear]

In my reflection, I realized I was feeling afraid and guilty at the same time. I was feeling afraid that I would not be able to provide for my own family, much less keep making payroll and retain this employee. I was afraid that people wouldn’t want to attend our seminars virtually. I was afraid people wouldn’t have money to afford any seminars in the first place. I was afraid that I’d never get everything done because my wife and I split our workdays in half to take turns caring for the kids. But way more than any of the above fears, I was afraid that I or my partner or our kids or someone else I loved would die a terrible death. I was grieving the massive suffering and loss that people were experiencing all over the world. At the same time, I felt guilty that we were able to insulate ourselves from the vast majority of risks by staying at home with our two young kids. It had nothing to do with Trello. Once I realized that I was feeling scared about so many things and had become a control freak in the process, I called my colleague, acknowledged what I was feeling, and apologized for my behavior. And luckily, she decided to give me and the company an opportunity to make things right.
- Location 894
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- [note::A tendency to control often manifests from some kind of fear]

It is your job as a leader to shift from the question “How can I get all these people to do what I want them to do?” to “How can I support all these people in doing what they want to do?” I’ve found that anytime I’m micromanaging, I’m actually feeling scared of something I haven’t quite articulated and do not trust the other person to fully understand. How can you have trust when you can’t even articulate what you feel afraid of or what agreements you’d like to put in place?
- Location 903
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- [note::Servant leadership]

People don’t want or need to be controlled or manipulated. Micromanaging gives us the illusion that we are in control, but often it is just that—an illusion.
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Who, if anyone, do you micromanage? Name names: What are the specific incidents or situations where you have believed you needed to micromanage someone? Do they have anything in common? What is your story about why you have to do this? I have to do this because . . . What are you scared will happen if you don’t? Who, if anyone, micromanages you? Name names: What are the specific incidents or situations where micromanagement occurred? What is your story about why they do this? What is holding you back from saying something? On a scale of 1 to 10, how much is this draining energy from your work to change the world? (With 1 meaning “It’s a rock in my emotional shoe” and 10 meaning “This is sucking the life out of me.”) 1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10 Are you willing to create healthy agreements in your important relationships?   Yes / No
- Location 925
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Our culture places such an unhelpful premium on the notion of “hard work.” But it is focused, thoughtful, essence-paced, purposeful, creative contribution that is most likely to make lasting transformation.
- Location 950
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If you are operating in a context of overwork and overwhelm, the ultimate way out of this pattern will be proactively changing agreements.
- Location 976
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- [note::I'm not very great at this, and I'm getting better]

Without any need to be perfect, accurate, or correct, take a minute to jot down all the ways that you personally experience overwork or overwhelm in your work to change the world. Some examples are working weekends and missing important family events. Once you’ve listed everything you can think of, reflect on your list and circle the top two or three items that are causing you the most distress. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much is this draining energy from your work to transform the world? (With 1 meaning “It’s a rock in my emotional shoe” and 10 meaning “This is sucking the life out of me.”) 1 — 2 — 3 — 4 — 5 — 6 — 7 — 8 — 9 — 10 What is merely an annoyance to you? What is sucking the life energy out of you? Are you willing to create a new relationship with time and space?   Yes / No
- Location 979
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I implore you to read Tema’s updated article “White Supremacy Culture—Still Here,” which can be found at www.whitesupremacyculture.info.
- Location 1009
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Please take a moment to identify which issues, concerns, and problems on this list, some of which are drawn from Tema Okun’s “White Supremacy Culture,” are most present in your interpersonal and organizational contexts right now. Check as many as apply: Blame. I/we put energy (the amount is unimportant) into determining whose fault something is. Criticism. I/we look for things that are wrong and need fixing. Overworked. I/we routinely work outside normal work hours and feel exhausted. Overwhelmed. I/we don’t have enough time. Unrealistic timelines. I/we set timelines that are not reasonable. Indecision. I/we don’t make decisions in a timely manner. Micromanaging. I/we try to control what others do in a way that is overbearing. Being micromanaged. I/we are oriented toward pleasing the boss. Financial distress. I/we don’t have enough money. Perfectionism. I/we can’t make mistakes. Paternalism. I/we make decisions that impact others without fully involving them in the process. Fear of open conflict. I/we avoid challenging one another. Power hoarding. I/we withhold information, resources, or power from others. Transactional goals. I/we have superficial goals that fail to tap into our passion and purpose. Transactional relationships. I/we only reach out to others when I/we need something from them. Individualism. I/we believe I am/we are responsible for solving problems alone. Either/or thinking. I/we use good/bad, right/wrong, with us/against us thinking. Right to comfort. I/we believe that only those with power have a right to emotional and psychological comfort.
- Location 1018
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The first step in changing anything is in facing clearly what is actually happening.
- Location 1051
- pink,
- [note::This is so god damn vague]

Four of the most common organizational dynamics that undermine social change are these: ‒Indecision ‒Blame and criticism ‒Micromanagement ‒Overwork and overwhelm
- Location 1051
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Leaders have a responsibility to decide how decisions will be made. You don’t have to make every decision yourself. In fact, ideally, you shouldn’t.
- Location 1055
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Instead of asking “How can I get these people to do what I want them to do?” leaders can ask “How can I support these people in doing what they were put on this planet to do?”
- Location 1057
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You can make big changes in the world, but until you face what is actually going on, history is destined to repeat itself.
- Location 1061
- pink,
- [note::Again, so fucking vague]

Part II: Embrace Your Power
- Location 1062
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Anytime you’re in survival mode, your fight-or-flight response gets activated and you can fall into the Hero persona.
- Location 1232
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- [note::It's easy to default to "save the day" mode when there's fires to put out all around you, but trying to put out multiple fires with a single hose is silly when there are other people around you who are equipped with and capable of using their own hose to put out the a portion of the inferno.]

Think about your issues. Which, if any, of these Hero moves are familiar in your life or in your work? Check as many as apply: Exhibiting the white savior complex: being a white person who acts to help nonwhite people, with the help in some contexts perceived as being self-serving Delivering Band-Aids instead of institutional and systemic solutions Providing charity rather than justice Taking on more than your fair share of responsibility Doing somebody else’s work Being fearful of making anyone else feel uncomfortable Being unable to set a boundary or say no Saying yes to things you don’t really want to do Agreeing to work nights or weekends when you don’t really want to Withholding feedback from colleagues (because it would hurt their feelings) Looking for problems that need solving Wondering what people would do without you Giving unsolicited advice Designing programs for (rather than with) people Believing people need you and feeding dependency narratives Other: __________ How many did you check? __________
- Location 1247
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To be clear, the Villain isn’t one in the traditional movie-villain sense; rather, they are constantly attempting to identify whom they believe to be the bad guy in any situation.
- Location 1269
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one thing that has helped me over the years is to remember that, no matter how prickly a Villain persona may appear, underneath this is someone who is simply afraid of something. It’s no big deal if we can keep that in mind.
- Location 1271
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Villains are really good at diagnosing problems, but they are inept at doing anything productive about them.
- Location 1273
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What to Do About Your Villain Persona
- Location 1279
- h4,

Think of all the creative energy I wasted by complaining behind her back. Think of all the personal power I left off the table. And imagine what she might have done if I had calmly asked, “Are you willing to stop this now?” Can you see how my Villain persona was inadvertently keeping the oppressive environment going? Even though if you had asked me then I would have insisted that it was the other person’s fault, the truth is I was keeping it going, too. What responsibility are you avoiding? What leadership move are you delaying by staying in the Villain position on the Triangle?
- Location 1298
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- [note::"Even if you don't THINK you don't have the power to change a given situation, you always have some level of responsibility for perpetuating it."]

Shifting from Villain to Challenger
- Location 1303
- h4,

One of the most helpful ways I’ve found to shift out of my Villain persona is to go back to basics. What am I feeling afraid of? Was there a violation of something I hold dear? What is it that I value the most, and how can I cultivate that in my own sphere without getting distracted by something in the distance? For me, the route out of my Villain persona is to turn my attention inward and get curious about what I really want,
- Location 1304
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Here are some common variations of the Villain persona. Check all that apply to you: Blaming another person for what happened Blaming yourself for what happened Blaming an entire group of people for what happened Looking for things that are wrong Believing you’re better than someone else Believing you’re worse than someone else Believing your group is better than another group Believing your group is worse than another group Making reality wrong by clinging to how something “should” be Talking about anybody who is not present (in other words, gossiping) Rebelling by breaking the rules or cheating Justifying your bad behavior Attacking the messenger Attacking someone’s character or essence Explaining how the other person didn’t understand Employing any passive-aggressive tactic Other: __________ How many did you check? __________
- Location 1311
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The Victim persona believes they are at the effect of something outside their own control and are resigned to feeling sorry for themselves. Anytime you use the words “have to” to describe your choices or actions, it is a linguistic giveaway that you’re in a Victim persona.
- Location 1333
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When you are in the Victim persona, you lose your sense of agency entirely. For example, when I am deep in the grip of my Victim persona, I don’t even know what I really want. It’s so impossible for me to imagine I could have what I want that I don’t even allow myself to conceive of it. You know you are in Victim mode when you have forgotten that you, too, have agency and that you can identify and ask for what you really want at any time.
- Location 1336
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To the Victim persona, it appears as if everything is happening “out there,” but the Victim persona is also enabling the drama to continue. The key is to catch yourself doing that and make a new choice!
- Location 1342
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I want to emphasize again that it is important to differentiate the Victim persona from two things: (1) broader societal norms that victimize entire groups of people, and (2) being a victim of a crime. These forms of victimization happen every single minute of every single day whether they show up as racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, xenophobia, or any other host of traumas.
- Location 1349
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What I mean by Victim persona in this case is your inner orientation to anything that happens to you, including being on the receiving end of oppression. So I want to be crystal clear: societal oppression is not OK. And you still get to choose how you orient yourself to that phenomenon.
- Location 1353
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Shifting from Victim to Creator
- Location 1356
- h4,

And being a victim of a larger oppressive force is entirely different from inhabiting the Victim persona, which is more about my inner orientation and reaction to what happened. If in that moment I had said to myself, “There’s nothing we can do about it; it’s just the way things are here,” I would have been taking on the Victim persona in response to an incident of homophobia. But that’s not what we did. Instead, my wife and I spoke about it, we felt our feelings of sadness and disappointment and shame. And we decided that while we were in the hospital, we would seek out the supervisor who would have the authority to change the form, which we did. And she did. So while I was listed as “Father” on Huck’s birth certificate, two years later when my wife gave birth to our daughter at the same hospital, I was listed as “Parent” on Vivian’s birth certificate.
- Location 1368
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Remember that, no matter what happens in life, you always have control over two things: your choices and your actions. You have the capacity to take healthy responsibility for anything and everything that is occurring in your life, even if what is happening is oppression and victimization. By healthy responsibility I don’t mean that you should take the blame for anything and everything that is occurring. I mean that you can retain your agency and maintain conscious control over your decisions and actions, no matter what anybody else is doing. The big question here is this: Are you unconsciously reacting or are you choosing to respond to the world around you? One keeps the drama going, the other holds the possibility for true transformation.
- Location 1386
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- [note::This is a golden nugget right here]

Here are some common ways that Victim personas show up. Check all that feel familiar to you: Biting your tongue and not saying anything (because it won’t make a difference anyway) Losing your initiative (because the boss will micromanage you anyway) Complaining about how things are and how they’ll never change Failing to make a decision or even know that one needs to be made Inability to discern what you really want Inability to differentiate between your yeses and nos Explaining how it isn’t your fault Saying yes to things you don’t really want to do Inability to make clear agreements Inability to keep agreements Inability to hold others accountable for agreements Biting off more than you can chew Overpromising and underdelivering Hesitancy to occupy your full range of influence Remaining silent about things that harm you Not confronting others who are harming you Waiting for someone else to rescue you or save the day How many did you check? __________
- Location 1393
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- [note::A disappointing number of these are familiar. I'd like to talk about this with a therapist.]

Once you begin to see more clearly how pervasive your personas are and how fantastically they mess things up, you may want to send yours packing, too. The problem is you can’t actually get rid of them. But you can learn how to put them to work in service of your growth as a person, which will make you much more effective in your attempts to change the world. Catching yourself in a persona is not a problem, it’s an opportunity and an invitation back to your essence, to your true self.
- Location 1423
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- [note::Recognizing your personas are an invitation to do and be better]

The second technique I learned is to actually interview my persona. To ask it a series of questions with the intention of discovering what this persona is really up to. There is a very specific way to conduct a Persona Interview that I learned from the Hendricks Institute. If you’d like to try this out for yourself, you may want to first watch me demonstrate it on our website, www.billionsinstitute.com/persona-interview. You can find the questions in appendix B.
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personal power to make a choice. Societal power is the relative advantage or disadvantage society confers on you due to aspects of your identity. Positional power is where you are in the chain of command relative to others. Personal power is the agency you choose to access at any given moment. All three forms of power matter. All three are always in play. And while you always have control over the choices you make and actions you take, which choices are available to you are shaped by these broader constructs related to power.
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Our identities are rich and complex. Very rarely is it the case that someone is 100 percent oppressed 100 percent of the time. Likewise, many of us have aspects of our identities that are privileged by our society, while others are marginalized. Even more complex, some of us have identities that are oppressed in one context but privileged in another.
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A person’s level of power can be visualized as a multidimensional continuum. Each of us has more power in some domains and less in others. In any given interaction, some combination of these power dynamics is at play between our identity and that of others. Bringing awareness to this is essential for making conscious decisions about what you’re willing to do to make change.
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One of our fellows, Michelle Molitor, founder of The Equity Lab, along with her colleagues Caroline Hill at 228 Accelerator and Christine Ortiz at Equity Meets Design, published a Medium.com article listing the 10 (+1) big ideas that fuel oppression in the United States.4 For readers who do not live in the United States, I invite you to consider the extent to which these same or similar ideas have permeated your society as well. With their permission, I’m sharing the 10 (+1) ideas below. As you read them, I invite you to stay curious about the extent to which they match your own understanding of how societal power is (mal)distributed. Idea 1: Lighter-skinned people deserve more love, power, affection, wealth, grace, and dignity than darker-skinned people. Idea 2: Men are smarter, more trustworthy, better leaders, more responsible, stronger, and more honest than women. Idea 3: Richer people are smarter, more trustworthy, and more responsible, and deserve more aspiration and grace, than poorer people. Idea 4: Christians are more trustworthy, righteous, and more justified in their violence than non-Christians. Idea 5: Heterosexuals are more natural and deserving of love, dignity, humanity, and companionship than lesbians, gays, and bisexuals. Idea 6: Cisgender people are more natural and deserving of love, companionship, dignity, and humanity than transgender people. Idea 7: English speakers with dominant-culture accents are more intelligent than non-English speakers or those with different accents. Idea 8: People who are differently abled (physically and mentally) are less intelligent than able-bodied people. Idea 9: Young adults are seen as smarter, more creative, more energetic, and more employable than older adults, teens, and children. Idea 10: Adults with college degrees are smarter than adults without college degrees. +1: The Stability Clause—The stability clause is perhaps the most dangerous of these ideas. It asserts that these ideas will not change and will continue to govern our relationships in the present and for future generations. The stability clause is guilty of the most imperfect crime—the theft of power, agency, and hope.
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- [note::Which of these ideas live rent free in my own mind?
I would probably say "yes" to Idea 7 and Idea 9. I have doubt the other ideas (especially about people with disabilities and trans people) weasle their way into my decision-making and biases, however.]

No matter whether it’s a help or a hindrance, it’s important for all of us to remember that our societal power is not static, even though it seems like it is fixed in stone. Yes, those 10 (+1) ideas that fuel oppression are real, but only because we’ve made them so. Even if we consciously repudiate these ten ideas, they’ve infiltrated our subconscious and that’s what counts. But we can be part of changing them.
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The walls of the societal power structure are real, and they shape our options. Dismantling those walls is part of what many of us are here to do with our lives. Changing oppressive norms, rules, structures, and systems one interpersonal interaction at a time is the work.
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For each identity group (age, race, skin color, etc.) reflect on the extent to which you experience related privilege or marginalization. It might be different depending on what context you happen to be in. Then complete the journal questions below.
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- [note::I'd like to add a page called "Power and Privileges" to my website than outlines all the privileges I enjoy in addition to the identities that might negatively affect me (e.g. being thin)
The list below this annotation is a great starting point.
I should also acknowledge the privilege of being able to write about these privileges online without fearing retribution.
!action]

Think about a specific situation in your work for change or your personal life where you experienced marginalization. Jot down not only what happened but also what body sensations you remember, what you were feeling, and what stories you told yourself about what that experience meant about you and the world: With respect to areas where you experience marginalization, reflect on the additional efforts required to keep yourself safe, whole, and in a space where you can keep doing the work. Now think about a specific situation in your work for change or your personal life where you experienced privilege. Jot down not only what happened but also what body sensations you remember, what you were feeling, and what stories you told yourself about what that experience meant about you and the world: With respect to areas where you experience privilege, how can you lean into your humanity to take even greater risks for the whole of the web of life? What can you learn from each of these spaces (where you are privileged and where you are marginalized) to inform the other, in turn making yourself whole and leading with agency in all spaces?
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- [note::Good questions for reflection
!action]

Reckoning with Positional Power
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I’ve found that my liberal or progressive-leaning friends can be especially reluctant to claim their positional power, as if somehow authority itself is bad. It’s not. We had a saying in the army: “When in charge, take charge!” I want more social change leaders to take that to heart. When you are entrusted with authority, you have the opportunity—dare I say, the responsibility—to use that authority to advance healing, justice, and transformation. So take charge! If you’re ambivalent about being a leader, my question for you is this: In terms of the change you seek in the world, how can you use every ounce of your positional power in service of what matters?
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Here are some other productive ways to envision how you might leverage or employ your authority: Make sure everyone understands the tasks ahead of them. Prioritize and coordinate across related efforts. Secure resources to remove scarcity conditions. Allocate resources so everyone has what they need. Notice when a decision needs to be made and decide how it will get made. Tend to the well-being of the people on your teams.
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The Einhorn Collaborative writes the annual grant summaries for their grantees so the grantee can hear what the foundation has learned and gotten out of their work and relationship. Imagine if instead of having to write an essay to justify your activities over the past year, the foundation wrote the summary for you to show you what they’ve learned from you. More of that, please!
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- [note::!action]

Draw a basic org chart that shows where you are in the chain of command. Who reports to you and to whom do you report? Circle all the people who are involved in any way in the challenge you’re facing. If you have more positional power than the others involved, how can you invite others to sit on the same side of the table as you? If you have less positional power than the others involved, how can you lean into your personal power to punch above your weight?
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as Sharon Salzberg wisely says, all any of us truly has is our three feet of influence. In other words, we can only influence those in our immediate orbit, even when we’re leading large-scale change.
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If You Have Less Power
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So here are three suggestions for how you might tap into your personal power when you find yourself in a situation where you have less societal or positional power: Initiate small “safe-to-fail” tests. Read all the recommendations in this book and try something that is small and safe to fail. By this I mean something so small that, if it doesn’t go well, the harm to you or others is likely to be negligible. It could be something so simple as asking someone, “Are you open to feedback on my experience of that?” and waiting for the yes or no response. It could be saying one thing that is unarguably true for you and observing the effect your microreveal has on your context. Use that small safe-to-fail test to assess how open or closed to transformation the people in your context really are. You can also use small safe-to-fail tests to assess your own openness to change. If it goes well, try another one, see how it goes, and over time perhaps you will grow bolder in asserting a new paradigm. Move on. Sometimes your greatest power is in saying no. If you have been running into brick walls, are beyond the brink of burnout, and nobody else seems to share your concerns, update your profile on LinkedIn, find another job, and give adequate notice. Nobody said you have to stay in a toxic or oppressive organization. Maybe, knowing what you now know, you can find a better match. Quitting isn’t a failure if it frees you up to take more responsibility for what matters to you in an environment that is more conducive to your well-being. If you don’t have the financial freedom to quit right now, and you really feel stuck, then . . . Organize. You are not alone. Maybe there are others who share your ideas about what could be done to make your organization much more likely to transform the world without you having to lose yourself. Find allies. The key is to do this without gossiping, blaming, or criticizing. Don’t hang out at the water cooler and complain your face off. Apply the principles in this book to your organizing work. Keep reading to learn ways to do this that are off the Drama Triangle and from your essence.
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If You Have More Relative Power
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If you feel cautious about being overbearing, especially if you have a significant societal or positional power differential with others involved, one thing you might want to reflect on is what…
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Power is always about resources, which can be tangible or intangible. Tangible resources in an organizational context include money, staff, space, technology, and equipment. Intangible resources are just as, if not more, important. To get you thinking, here’s a short list of intangible resources you can redistribute: Time: How much time is someone given to complete a project? Time: How much vacation time is allocated? Time: How long does someone get to talk during the meeting? Inclusion: Who gets invited to the team/meeting/decision? Attention: Whose voice is heard? Information: What is transparent and what is…
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There are four questions to ask when choosing whether or not to take action in any given situation: What will you regret if you choose not to say or do something? What opportunity might you miss if you choose not to say or do something? What is the worst that could happen if you choose to say or do something? What opportunities become possible with choosing to say or do something? If those four questions are too complicated or take you down a pro-and-con-list rabbit hole, try substituting this one question instead: Will doing something increase my aliveness?
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“For every choice you make there’s an opportunity index and a regret index. You just have to figure out which one is bigger.” Taking Jane’s advice to heart, and bearing in mind that it’s a perfectly valid choice not to do anything at all, reflect on your challenge and respond to these journal prompts: If you choose not to say or do something, what will you regret most? If you choose not to say or do something, what opportunity might you miss? If you choose to say or do something, what is the worst that could happen? If you choose to say or do something, what opportunity might open up for you? What would you choose purely for the sake of your own aliveness?
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There are three kinds of power: societal, positional, and personal.
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Societal power is unevenly distributed and therefore the risk of taking action is also unevenly distributed.
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Each of us embodies a complex web of identities, and it’s likely that some aspects of your identity are privileged in our society while others are marginalized.
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Everybody gets three feet of influence. Nobody can take it away from you and nobody can tell you how to use it. That is yours and yours alone to decide. We hope this book will help you use it wisely.
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https://medium.com/equity-design/the-big-10-1-ideas-that-fuel-oppression-97d7200929f9
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- [note::!action]

Now I know that when I feel scared, it’s simply my body trying to keep me alive (even when the risk may be imaginary). So I don’t try to talk myself out of it. I know that is futile. And I definitely don’t make any major decisions when I’m feeling scared. I simply breathe and move until I don’t feel scared anymore. When I feel sad, I allow myself to cry until those waves of sadness subside. When I feel angry, I give a good “Grrr,” shake my fists in the air, and say, “I feel angry.” When I feel sexual feelings or joy, I allow myself to enjoy it.
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- [note::Feeling your feelings is easy in theory, hard in practice]

Unfortunately, many organizations send a very clear signal to employees that they are expected to be “professional.” And by “professional” they mean 100 percent rational all the time, and utterly lacking in any emotional intelligence or expression. To realize your full potential as a change leader, you must ditch the toxic notion of professionalism that asks you to dissociate from your authentic experiences, and reclaim the rich and wise gifts of your body wisdom and emotional intelligence. It’s not that rational intelligence is unimportant; rather, it alone is insufficient and incomplete for the work of repairing the world.
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In healthy organizations (and relationships), people let others know when they feel angry. Anger is the proper response when an injustice has occurred or a boundary has been crossed. Dr. Julia Colwell likes to say that anger lets you know you aren’t getting something you want or are getting something you don’t want. I don’t mean that you should kick the garbage can across the room and scream at somebody. That’s abusive. I mean listen to your body—that clenching of your jaw, that pain in your shoulder—and calmly (as if you were asking someone to pass the salt over dinner) say, “Oh, I just noticed that I feel angry.” In healthy organizations (and relationships), the revealing and expressing of emotions, including sexual feelings and joy, is greeted with curiosity. That’s the dream. These are the kinds of organizations (and relationships) I want to help you create.
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- [note::Healthy organizations acknowledge that employees have emotions and normalize revealing and talking about them.]

To maintain a context of oppression, whether it’s racism, sexism, colonialism, homophobia, ableism, ageism, xenophobia, or any other ism, people need to be dissociated from their bodies. When a critical mass of us gets connected to our bodies, we connect to our truth, our inner wisdom, and we don’t put up with the bullshit anymore. This separation of mind, body, and spirit goes way back. For the United States context specifically, one needs to look no further than the attempted genocide of the Indigenous people whose stolen land we occupy and the enslavement of Black people (with whose bodies the wealth of this country was created). But feeling your feelings, feeling the shock, horror, fear, anger, and sadness brought on by our context, can be subversive in a really powerful way. One of the most memorable examples I’ve seen came from an equity expert our company hired years ago. She showed us a picture of white people sitting down to eat a meal and, in the background, you can see a Black person hanging from a tree. This disturbing image is forever seared into my consciousness and her point was well made: there is no way that anyone—anyone—could take part in our racist history, regardless of the color of their skin, without dissociating.
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- [note::This is a really interesting point. "Othering" serves as the precursor for harm and dissassociaton prolongs it.]

The things that we humans can do to each other are, on one level, too much to bear. So we dissociate. Of course we do. It could be no other way. Therefore, every act of getting present with your own embodied experience, whether it’s noticing that you are feeling sad or scared or even just noticing that your butt itches, is fundamentally an act of liberation. Every time you give your body sensations attention, you are reweaving the connective tissue within your own consciousness. And that is the first step to waking up from our collective dystopia. Every act of connecting with your own body is in some ways a rebellion against this context of oppression.
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There is no way all this harmful stuff going on in the world could continue if even a fractionally greater percentage of the population was more connected to their bodies and feelings. The jig would be up. Your body is the nucleus of your personal power. It is the primary building block for creating change in the world. It all starts right inside you.
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Taking the time to notice, acknowledge, and be with whatever you’re feeling (without blaming yourself or someone else for that feeling) opens up the possibility of shifting from unconsciously reacting (and keeping the Drama Triangle going) to consciously responding.
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Remember all those organizational dynamics we faced in part I of the book? They’re largely driven by fear. Indecision? Fear. Blame and criticism? Fear. Micromanagement? Fear. Overwork and overwhelm? Fear. Whatever else that’s messed up in your organization? It’s probably being driven by fear.
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- [note::What would a fear-based organizational assessment look like?]

Whenever I find myself in a messed-up work situation, the first questions I ask myself are “Is anybody else feeling scared right now? What am I feeling scared of right now?” That curiosity opens the door to deeper exploration.
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Here are some similar situations and examples of ways I ask myself this question: When I notice myself blaming or criticizing anyone or anything, I stop myself and ask, “I wonder what I’m feeling scared about right now?” When I’m burning the midnight oil and taking one for the team, I ask myself, “What am I most afraid of?” When someone in my group cannot make a decision to save their life, I ask myself, “I wonder what we’re all feeling scared about right now?” When I am micromanaging someone, I ask myself, “What am I afraid will happen if I let go?” And when I have been micromanaged, it was helpful to check in with both myself and the person micromanaging me about how I and they were feeling and if maybe fear had become a member of our team. Am I scared that maybe I’m not actually qualified to do my job? Am I scared that maybe I don’t have sufficient judgment to make good decisions on my own?
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Use Your Own Oxygen Mask First
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This will only take six minutes. Take a few deep breaths, then proceed: Blurt. Set a timer for two minutes and have at it: get to the kernel of what’s nagging at your soul in a situation you’ve identified. Be as unenlightened and as unprofessional and unpackaged as you possibly can. Say things that are utterly inappropriate to say. In this “what happened” step, allow yourself to keep going longer if you need to. That said, I’ve never seen anyone need more than two minutes to blurt out the nugget of truth they didn’t quite know how to express properly. It’s not about being proper here; it’s about being honest with yourself. Breathe. Set a timer for two minutes and bring your attention to your breath. Feel your inbreath. Notice your outbreath. Nothing more. Nothing less. If you get distracted, just bring your attention back to your inbreath and outbreath. This is the core of many meditation practices. ... Move. Set a timer for two minutes and go for a little walk. Get your body moving. If you want to play your favorite song and make it a dancing walk, all the better. Anything you need to do to get your body moving. This will help the fear chemicals in your body move through you. Another thing you might try while you’re moving is called Fear Melters. Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks developed these as movement antidotes to the four primary fear signatures: freeze, flee, fight, and faint.5 Journal. Jot down each aha that emerged as a result of this process. Anything that’s true for you will do. Often in the course of doing this, it will become blatantly obvious what you are feeling, whether that’s being angry, sad, scared, or any combination of the three. That’s a great discovery. Sometimes what will surface is something that you want: a request. All the better. What you’re after is something that is authentically true for you and something that is unarguable, including your feelings.
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Anger
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As a Black woman in the US (where we typically only accept anger from white men), it is hard to lean into anger and even more scary to express it in spaces that are centered around white supremacy culture. There are times when I’ve been worried, annoyed, or just had an itch (literally) that I couldn’t scratch and have been read as angry by colleagues thanks to centuries of stereotypes and dehumanizing portrayals of Black women in the media. While I used to ignore my own anger, as a way to combat these stereotypes, I’ve now learned to appreciate anger as an opportunity for reflection. I try to take the time to listen for what my anger is really trying to show me. Is it fear? Sadness? Pain? There is always a deeper emotion underneath. Now, even in the most extreme moments, I’m getting better at interpreting rage as a signal I must listen to. I have a right to be angry and turning to courage is a powerful way to hold space for anger while engaging in work that will actually transform the systems, structures, and relationships of which I’m a part.
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- [note::I'm guilty of making these stereotypes (i.e. "white moderated" MLK type thinking)]

anger is a natural result of being thwarted and an appropriate emotion when an injustice has occurred or a boundary has been crossed. It shows up when you’re getting something you don’t want or not getting something you do want. Whenever possible, use the energy of your anger to right the wrong or restore the boundary. Listen to your anger!
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Sadness
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Sadness is generally felt in the chest and throat area and is often accompanied by tears. It is a function of experiencing a real or imagined loss of some kind. Sadness is your body’s way of telling you there is something to let go of. Personally, I go to great lengths to avoid feeling sadness, although I am learning to befriend it. When I don’t allow my sad feelings to move through, they just stick around. Sadness wants to be expressed.
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One of the best examples of befriending sadness I’ve witnessed in my life came during an acupuncture session in NYC. I was in my session with Marion Skelly (who has since passed on) when her old-fashioned, literally hanging-on-the-wall corded phone rang. She answered and I overheard her side of the conversation. It was clear something bad had happened and Marion started to cry. I asked what the matter was and through tears she said, “I just found out a friend of mine died, and I’m going to miss him.” And she sat still for a moment, her face expressing a sadness that couldn’t find words. I sat quietly, not knowing what to do or say. After a few moments Marion said, “And I don’t want to die, either.” Then she took a deep breath, her sadness lifted, and she returned to treating me. All this took place in a span of maybe one minute.
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- [note::What a great example of letting your feelings "flow through you" and identifying the underlying fear.]

Joy
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Joy is a powerful body signal indicating whom I want to spend more time with, what I want to spend more time doing, and where I want to be.
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As you notice the contexts that generate joy for yourself and your colleagues, get curious about what is creating that feeling and ask, How can we do more of that?
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Sexual Feelings
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The Conscious Leadership Forum created a wonderful map that details low, medium, and high levels of feelings.
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If you want to delve into this further, I recommend adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism where she shares her philosophy of transforming individuals and the entire world through—you guessed it—sexual feelings.
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This exercise is one of my very favorites for feeling my feelings and getting through to the gift of clarity on the other side. Related to the challenges you want to address, what feelings are you now aware that you have? Go ahead and list them all. You might be all over the map and that’s OK. Do they tend to fit into a certain category (sad, angry, scared, joyful, sexual) or are they all over the map? Are there any feelings you tend to avoid allowing yourself to feel? Are you willing to allow yourself to welcome all your feelings as wisdom here to help you?
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First, set a timer for one minute and simply breathe and notice any body sensations that might arise. Pay careful attention to your stomach, chest, throat, neck, shoulders, and back. Tightness and pain in any of those areas can be your body’s way of trying to get your attention. Then just write whatever comes to mind for you. Stay with the first five questions until you feel a sense of completeness with all of them. Only then move to the last question. I feel scared that . . . ______________ I feel sad that . . . ______________ I feel angry that . . . ______________ I feel joyful that . . . ______________ I feel sexual that . . . ______________ What I really want is . . . ______________
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Set a timer for three minutes and write down your answer to the question below. See what emerges for you. Leave it open ended—it can be about work or your personal life. Jot down everything that comes across your consciousness. Have fun with it. What do I really want? Now, go back one by one to each of the items you wrote down. Say each item you identified above out loud then close your eyes. Notice how you feel in your body as you say what you want out loud. When I do this, for example, sometimes I notice my balance shifting forward or backward. Sometimes I notice a downward push of energy in my chest. Sometimes I notice butterflies of excitement in my stomach. And sometimes I notice little fireworks of joy in my chest. Your body will give you different cues because each of us is unique. The purpose of this exercise is to practice opening up to what it is you really want and to begin to use your body wisdom in support of accessing your deeper wisdom. After you’ve listened to your body’s response to each of the items you’ve identified in the initial brainstorm, go back and circle the item(s) where you noticed the most aliveness in your body. This is where the good stuff is for you. This is incredibly useful information, and you can refer back to it like a road map in the future, too. Imagine what might happen if you allow yourself to really go for it?
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- [note::This exercise is like "draw the rest of the fucking owl" meme lol. That said, I think this could be valuable to try - I do believe there is a lot of wisdom in the body that I can tap into.
Remember: you are not a rational creature. Sometimes, your body is the best signal you have.]

When you don’t allow yourself to feel your feelings or others to feel theirs, you are reproducing oppression. It may be conscious or unconscious, but the impact is the same.
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Your emotions are generating massive insights to help you clarify your commitment, if only you will listen to them.
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You can find instructions for how to do Fear Melters at https://foundationforconsciousliving.org/big_leap_home/unlocking-the-fear-code-and-accessing-essence-power/.
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- [note::!action]

Both systems and individuals can operate unconsciously or consciously.
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If you’re not aligned, deep down in your heart, you secretly have one foot out the door. In other words, you are in limbo. If you have any ambivalence whatsoever about what you want, you’re stuck in the middle. Nothing really changes, and you can find yourself untethered and ineffective. When you are in limbo, your unconscious commitments run the show. You say you want X, but you have an unconscious commitment to Y. Guess which wins every time? That’s right. Y wins. Every. Single. Time. This is what being in limbo means. You cannot repair the world when you are in limbo. In fact, being in limbo does far more harm than good. And if you keep this pattern going, you will become resentful. It may appear as though you are resenting someone or something outside yourself, but underneath that you are usually only resentful of yourself for not choosing something different, for not having the courage to leave or at least exploring other options even if it doesn’t entail leaving. This resentment is toxic.
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- [note::Very, very relatable. Not being clear about what you want results in misalignment between what you way you want and what you unconviously want, which breeds resentment, commitment issues, and underperformance.]

Finally, my friend said, “Becky, you have to decide. Let’s flip a coin. Heads, you go out into the civilian world and start a new life. Tails, you come back to West Point and teach with me.” This sounded like a perfectly good idea to me at the time, so I agreed. He flipped the coin. Heads it was! He slumped down onto the bar and I felt a little bit of disbelief, sadness, and disappointment that I had made a major life decision based on chance. I almost said, “Let’s go for two out of three,” but I stopped myself from saying that out loud. Who knows what I’d be doing now if I had followed that impulse? And there was something about how dramatically my mentor seemed to respond to the outcome of the coin toss that I, too, started to believe it was real. That I had actually decided. So I went back to work the next day and submitted my resignation from the army. Over a coin toss. None of this would have happened had I known about the power of commitment.
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- [note::This is a great example of the power of using arbitrary decisions to inform any deliberate decisions that need to be made (i.e. whatever side the coin lands on, your body will have an innate reaction to that - tuning into what your body feels in that moment can reveal what you actually want)]

Commitment is being clear on and anchored by what you really want. Once you are clear on what you are committed to, each new decision in front of you (and there will be thousands) is simply a matter of tuning into your yeses and nos and seeing what happens. If you don’t like the results, most of the time you can change your mind and do something different. You’re never too young to get clear on what you are willing to commit to. And you’re never too old to get out of limbo!
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Knowing and expressing your yeses and your nos is an essential skill for getting out of limbo. You’re not going to use your yeses and nos to screw people over or become incredibly selfish. You’re going to use this skill to get into alignment so that we can bring your whole and best self to the work.
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What I mean by “your yeses” is the people, places, things, and experiences in your life that you feel an authentic, resonant, full-body yes to. By “your nos” I similarly mean the people, places, things, and experiences in your life that cause you to detect a no anywhere in your body.
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Knowing Your Yeses
- Location 2228
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Set a timer for three minutes and jot down everything you want that comes to your mind. Don’t filter it and don’t worry about your yeses and your nos yet. This is just brainstorming to get your creative ideas flowing. What I really want is . . . At the end of the three minutes, stand if you are able to, as that can be helpful in detecting some of the microhints your body is going to give you next. If you’re not able to stand, this can be done seated as well. Next, state each separate item that you want out loud, one at a time, and notice any signals your body sends you. As you say each want out loud, one at a time, tune in to your body signals and notice what you feel. Where in your body did you feel what you felt? What was happening to the energy in your body? Which words or colors or sounds came to mind for you with each one? See if you’re able to discern any trends in terms of how your body tells you that you have a yes. ... What were your three biggest yeses, the things that you really want? Where in your body did you notice the clearest yes energy? Write your body signals…
- Location 2234
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Sometimes you might experience a full-body yes and, in addition to that, you might notice a layer of fear on top of it. That’s totally normal. You might feel confused and worry that maybe that means it’s a no. Doing this exercise several times will help you gain a real understanding of your own body and when it is saying yes, when it is saying no, and when it is saying, “I feel scared.” It takes some practice to be able to discern the difference, but it’s well worth the effort. If you feel yes plus some fear, go back and…
- Location 2248
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- [note::Good point. Sometimes the things we actually want are scary to imagine.]

Knowing Your…
- Location 2257
- h4,

As important as knowing your yeses is knowing your nos. A reminder: by “your nos” I mean the people, places, things, and experiences in your life that cause you to feel a decrease in aliveness. Our bodies are trying to help us! Just as I believe that honoring your yeses is a service to the…
- Location 2257
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For decades I believed the only way I could really make a difference and also get ahead in my career was to say yes to things I didn’t actually want to do. I was literally taught, “This is what you need to do to get ahead.” So I get it. I’ve been there and done that myself. I understand how hard it is to differentiate between what’s aligned with my own essence and what other people expect of me. But overriding your no is one of the fastest roads to forfeiting your personal power. When you override your nos—when you notice that you have a no but ignore it and say yes instead—you put yourself in limbo. And I’ve seen all kinds of justifications for overriding a no. Here are a few favorites: “My team needs me.” “This sucks, but it will help me get ahead.”…
- Location 2260
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- [note::I've adopted this mentality. I think it's true in some cases, but in most cases, you often have more options you can pivot to than you think you do. And continuing on the current path just blocks you from identifying and exploiting those opportunities.]

There are also differences across identities regarding who gets to say yes and, most important, who gets to say no. For some of us, saying no is a privilege we take for granted. For others, saying no can tee up fears for our own survival. All these differences across societal and positional power are real. And yet . . . Regardless of where you are situated relative to these other realms of power, you always have your personal power. Nobody can take away your…
- Location 2271
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The problem is, somehow over the course of your life, you may have internalized the message that you don’t really get to have a say in things. This might trace back to the way your parents raised you or what you learned in school. It doesn’t really matter where you picked it up, if deep down you believe that what you want doesn’t matter. Eventually, you are going to lose the ability to even discern what you really want in the first place. Internalizing this…
- Location 2275
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- [note::YUP, THIS IS ME.]

So here’s an alternative to try on for size: never agree to anything on the spot when you’re aware of any inner hesitation. Give yourself twenty-four hours to tune in to your yeses and your…
- Location 2279
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Set a timer for three minutes and jot down everything you don’t want that comes to your mind. This is just brainstorming to get your creative ideas flowing. I have a no to . . . At the end of the three minutes, stand if you are able to, as that can be helpful in detecting some of the microhints your body is going to give you next. If you’re not able to stand, this can be done seated as well. When I have a no to something, I notice a sinking downward energy that starts in my chest. This will be a chance for you to begin to notice your unique no cues. Next, state each separate item that you have a no to out loud, one at a time, and notice any signals your body sends you. As you say each no, tune in to your body signals and notice what you feel. Where in your body did you feel what you felt? What was happening to the energy in your body? Which words or colors or sounds come to mind for you with each one? See if you’re able to discern any trends in terms of how your body tells you that you have a no. Write your top three nos down here: Where in your body did you notice the clearest no energy? Write your body signals for a no down here for future reference. I want to…
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Whenever I include the Know Your Nos exercise in our workshops, I see so much relief and liberation on people’s faces as they open up to the truth of their no. It’s like they’re saying, “Wait a minute, I get to say no?” Yes! Not only do you get to say no, you must say no if you want to be…
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- [note::To lead change effectively (without destroying yourself), you must be willing to say "no".]

The gift of knowing your no isn’t just for you. This is a gift for everyone you know, and we hope you will share it. I especially want to invite you to pay this forward to your colleagues. Especially if you have positional power. When I make a request, I like to follow by saying, “And please know, that your no is as good as your yes to me.” It might seem scary, but giving other people permission to honor their nos will liberate you, too.
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Go back to the exercises called Act Now: Know Your Yeses and Act Now: Know Your Nos, and jot down your three biggest yeses and three biggest nos in the space below. Three Biggest Yeses and Three Biggest Nos ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ What might your life be like if you honored the inner wisdom of these three yeses and three nos? What would you be doing differently with your time and creativity? Who would you be in community with? What changes would ripple out into the world?
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- [note::I think this could be an extraordinarily useful exercise: getting clear on your yes's and no's and then imagining what your life could look like if you leaned into your yes's OR compromised on your no's]

I remember when I first relearned that I could say no (it took me a few tries!). I was forty-three and had just completed a weekend workshop with Kathlyn Hendricks in California. We had done an experiential exercise to get clear on our yeses and our nos. And I was pumped up to put this new concept to work. The next morning I had a call with my teammates from the 100,000 Homes Campaign. Someone mentioned that I had been asked to give a keynote at a conference in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I had been traveling almost nonstop, and to my delight and terror, I realized that I felt a no to giving that keynote. Now this is something I was expected to do. I gave keynotes all the time as the director of the 100,000 Homes Campaign. It was literally part of my job description. Would I disappoint them? Would they think I wasn’t really committed? Would they judge me as being lazy? I mean, I should go. Right? So here’s what I managed to eke out on the phone call: “Hey, y’all. I was just at a workshop where I learned to discern between my yeses and my nos, and I realize that I don’t actually want to go to Tulsa to give that keynote.” Long pause. I’m imagining my team on the other end of the line in stunned silence. Then I heard my colleague Linda say this: “I’ll go to Tulsa! I’d love to give that keynote!” And she wasn’t taking one for the team. She actually wanted to go. Turns out Linda loved traveling and she was a natural and gifted public speaker. Linda loved traveling so much that she agreed to speak in North Dakota in December. We wouldn’t have tapped into this area of genius for Linda had I not taken the risk of being honest about my own no.
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- [note::Your "no" can often be a "hell yes!" for others - by staying true to your no, you can open up new opportunities for others to flourish.]

If you have a pattern of saying yes to things you really don’t want to do, of sacrificing your personal or family life for your work, of endlessly taking one for the team, or feeling like you have no choice, that is a recipe for resentment and burnout. Remember, it is the Hero persona that cannot say no. Or the inner Villain that says, “You should.” Or the Victim persona that says, “I have to.” If this is coming up for you, go ahead and interview that persona using the prompts in appendix B.
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While it’s absolutely essential that you know what you want, your wants alone are insufficient for changing a single thing in the outside world. In fact, they are utterly powerless unless they are converted into willingness, and then into the rocket fuel that is a bona fide commitment.
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Move from Wanting to Willing
- Location 2361
- h4,

This is where people start. The problem seems like it’s outside you, so you want the other person to change. But here’s the thing: you can’t actually control what other people do or say, so wanting them to change is crazy making. My challenge to you is to flip the script and make your wants about something that is in your own sphere of influence. Something you can control. And you control what you do and say.
- Location 2366
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So the shift would look something like this: Something you can’t control Something you can control I want Elise to stop criticizing me. I want to stop criticizing myself; I want to let Elise’s criticism of me roll off my back like water off a duck; I want to work in an organization that is fueled by appreciation. I want Brenda to stop giving me work over the weekends. I want to prioritize and receive rest and relaxation each weekend. I want Andre to make a decision. I want to be more decisive myself; I want to work on a team where decisions get made. I want Molly to be self-sufficient, so I don’t have to micromanage her anymore. I want to stop micromanaging Molly. I want Chris to stop micromanaging me. I want to stop questioning my own judgment; I want to be unfazed by Chris’s questioning of me; I want to work on a team where my experience is valued. I want Brad to stop his offensive behavior toward people with my identity. I want to work for someone who is committed to justice. I want to work for someone who is respectful of others. I want to house 100,000 people. I want to lead a team that creates the conditions that result in 100,000 people being housed.
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- [note::These are some great reframings - post on my wall?]

Once you’re clear on what you want and it is something that is within your own sphere of control, the next step is to check with yourself and see if you are able to shift from wanting…
- Location 2394
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Look at what happens when we substitute willing for want: I want . . . I am willing . . . I want to stop criticizing myself; I want to let Elise’s criticism of me roll off my back like water off a duck; I want to work in an organization that is fueled by appreciation. I am willing to stop criticizing myself; I am willing to let Elise’s criticism roll off my back like water off a duck; I am willing to work in an organization that is fueled by appreciation. I want to prioritize and receive rest and relaxation each weekend. I am willing to prioritize and receive rest and relaxation each weekend. I want to be more decisive myself; I want to work on a team where decisions get made. I am willing to be more decisive myself; I am willing to work on a team where decisions get made. I want to stop micromanaging Molly. I am willing to stop micromanaging Molly. I want to stop questioning my own judgment; I want to be unfazed by Chris’s questioning of me; I want to work on a team where my experience is valued. I am willing to stop questioning my own judgment; I am willing to be unfazed by Chris’s questioning of me; I am willing to work on a team where my experience is valued. I want to work for someone who is committed to justice. I want to work for someone who is respectful of others. I am willing to request a different supervisor; I am willing to report Brad to HR; I am willing to…
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- [note::Again, great framings]

Notice the difference there? The shift is from stating what is true (always a good start) to expressing what you are willing to do about it. This puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life and linguistically shifts you from being at the effect of people and forces around you to being an agent of change in your own life. This is progress! This is…
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When you’re ready to take it up a notch, you can try on committing for size. Committing isn’t something that you want to force yourself into before you’re ready. Don’t muscle yourself to a place of being ready to make a commitment. Allow yourself to marinate in willingness for an hour or two, a day or two, or as long as it takes until your choice becomes much clearer to you. Make sure it is what you really want and what you are really willing to do. The way I know that I am ready to move from being willing to committing is I feel a sense of something dropping deeper into my core and I hear a voice in my head saying, “Oh, I’m not just willing. I am able to commit now.” It’s almost like shifting up with a manual gearshift in a car, but it’s in my body. It’s hard to explain precisely. It’s a sense that I’m fully available to take it to the next level.
- Location 2427
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Move from Willing to Committing
- Location 2434
- h4,

Note that commitment does not require any other human beings. This is not “I’ll do it if you do it.” That’s an agreement, and we’ll cover that more in chapter 10.
- Location 2436
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After going through those steps, I had just clarified my commitment and it went like this: I commit to channeling my creative energy to support progressive social change leaders in making their big dent in the universe. Literally, the next day after I had clarified my commitment, I received an email from an agency that helps small businesses get government contracts. “Would you be interested in helping the US Navy with leadership development?” they asked. Being a West Point grad, my first response was Navy? Hell no! But my second thought was to basically see dollar signs. A government contract could help our business survive the pandemic. I was doing a happy dance and about a minute into it I realized, Oh! That’s a pop quiz from the universe! It wants to know if I’m serious about helping social change leaders make their big dent. And I was. So I politely declined. This is where knowing your nos comes in handy, by the way. And I felt this whoosh of energy and doubled down on my commitment and aligned with my bigger yes.
- Location 2445
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- [note::Being committed requires one to be extremely ruthless in what they say yes and no to.]

Let’s see what happens when we substitute “commit” for “willing” using the same examples from before: I am willing . . . I commit . . . I am willing to stop criticizing myself; I am willing to let Elise’s criticism of me roll off my back like water off a duck; I am willing to work in an organization that is fueled by appreciation. I commit to using loving and kind self-talk; I commit to letting go of anyone else’s criticism of me; I commit to creating an organization that is fueled by appreciation. I am willing to prioritize and receive rest and relaxation each weekend. I commit to prioritizing and receiving rest and relaxation each weekend. I am willing to be more decisive myself; I am willing to work on a team where decisions get made. I commit to making decisions that need and want to be made; I commit to creating a team norm where decisions get made in a sound and timely manner. I am willing to stop micromanaging Molly. I commit to creating conscious, clear agreements with Molly and fully communicating my requests to her. I am willing to stop questioning my own judgment; I am willing to be unfazed by Chris’s questioning of me; I am willing to work on a team where my experience is valued. I commit to trusting my own wisdom; I commit to letting go of Chris’s judgment of me; I commit to finding a team where my experience is valued. I am willing to request a different supervisor; I am willing to report Brad to HR; I am willing to look for a different job at a different company; I am willing to organize with my colleagues to create a more just workplace. I commit to finding a boss who is committed to justice and who treats me with respect. I am willing to do everything in my power to create the conditions that result in 100,000 people being housed in the US. I commit to cocreating the conditions that result in 100,000 people being housed in the US.
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- [note::Brilliant - I'd like to create a spreadsheet for this "want, willing, commitment" framework]

Finally, you will also want to frame your commitment in the positive. Your subconscious can only take orders in the affirmative. It can’t not think of a chicken. Don’t think of a chicken. Whoops! You just did! So it’s better to commit to something versus not to something.
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- [note::Good point. It's a lot more intuitive to think about doing an action that helps negate an unwanted action than just not doing the unwanted action.]

The whole point of commitment is to get you off the bench and onto the playing field. Until you make a commitment, you’re a spectator. Once you make that commitment, you’re in the game for real. This is the threshold to cross, and on the other side, life becomes much more interesting and your work becomes much more impactful.
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Think about an issue related to your work to repair the world that you want to explore further, then complete these sentences. Related to my issue, I want . . . Allow yourself to express freely anything that comes to mind. No censorship or packaging it to be “appropriate” or “professional” or “realistic.” Aim for the stars! Tune in to your own body and see if you are able to shift from wanting to being willing. If you are, continue to journal. Regarding what I want, I am willing to . . . Tune in to your own body and see if a commitment is wanting to be made. If yes, articulate it like this: I commit to . . . Remember to frame your commitment in the positive (being patient with my kids) rather than the negative (stop yelling at my kids). Step in: Pick a spot on the ground to represent being all in with your commitment. When you feel ready, step into that spot, and declare your commitment out loud. See how it feels in your body to really own your commitment. Celebration step: How will you celebrate your new commitment? Make sure it’s something you can complete before the sun goes down today. Regardless of your unconscious commitments, before you read any further, I want to invite you to consider making this conscious commitment out loud: I commit to contributing to repairing the world in a way that feeds my own aliveness and well-being. Write it out in your own handwriting with any friendly amendments you want to add here: Now that you’ve made this commitment, the final step is deciding what you are going to do about it. This is where you shift your focus from your inner work back to the outside world.
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A yes is the alignment of your mind, body, and heart with any given possibility. A no is anything that is not a full-body yes.
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start with what we want, then what we are willing to do about it, and finally we see if a commitment emerges.
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I believe we slip into patterns of blame or criticism when we aren’t able to catch ourselves in a state of entitlement quickly enough. If we are able to catch ourselves in time, in those early moments of feeling entitled, it is possible to prevent an outburst of criticism or blame. Entitlement is simply clinging hard to thinking that things should be a certain way. And if you can let go of needing life to be on your terms, if you can flow with what is and consciously direct your attention to what is working, then you get the benefit of that. What you appreciate, appreciates.
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People are perfectly capable of improving without the slightest hint of blame or criticism. In fact, people flourish in a context of appreciation. So the first thing to do is disabuse yourself of the notion that blame or criticism has any place at all in your toolbox as a leader. They are evil twins; they are toxic for you and for those on the receiving end.
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So if you feel entitled, notice that. Pay attention to what it is that “should” be different in the world. Notice where in your body you are registering that “should.” Give yourself permission to feel your feelings and do some breathing and moving until you can get back into your prefrontal cortex and fully inhabit your body again. Then you become the source of what it is you “want” (read: “lack”) in the world. Get skilled at noticing your sense of entitlement and doing this process before your brain turns to blame and criticism to distract you from what you’re really feeling and what you really want. It’s so much better for your health and your effectiveness to simply say, “Oh gosh, I just noticed I felt entitled for a minute there. I thought things should be like __________ and I realize that’s not the case. It’s not mine to control. I feel __________.” Then redirect your attention to something you can appreciate in the moment. The more skilled you become in this process, the more you will become the source of that which is lacking in the world.
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Nobody ever died of too much appreciation, but I’m pretty sure there are some folks who have died prematurely from too much blame or criticism. You cannot possibly authentically appreciate someone too much. There is such a dearth of appreciation in our world. Every utterance of appreciation will feel like rain in the desert for most people. The key is it has to be sincere and specific.
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Appreciation is making eye contact and communicating clearly exactly what you notice about someone’s essence that is shining through and also the positive impact that has on you. It is a way of seeing someone without asking for anything in return. Here are some examples: “I noticed that you greet me each day with such kindness, and you really brighten my day. I feel so at home here. Thank you.” “I noticed you’ve been working really late on getting ready for the big event, and I know it’s a lot to manage. I just want you to know that I see your dedication and commitment to this organization, and it feels so good to me to know that I have a real partner in you.” “I know what you just did was hard for you, and I see you struggling to do the work, and I appreciate your determination!” The key is that you’re not treating someone as a means to your ends. You’re not thanking them for something they do for you; you’re noticing them for who they are.
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- [note::I adore this! I'd like to practice expressing genuine appreciation and will have to keep "sincere and specific" in mind.]

Cultivating a habit of appreciation (both noticing what brings you happiness and expressing it out loud to somebody) is number one on the “shift your context” menu because you can do it all by yourself and it is such a high-leverage move. This is especially true when you are experiencing blame and criticism, regardless of whether you are generating the blame and criticism or are on the receiving end of it. You can’t go wrong with using your personal power to introduce some appreciation into the mix.
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Think about an area in your life where things aren’t working out the way they “should.” What do you feel entitled to? How do you think it “should” be? Go ahead and give yourself a minute or two to speak or write from a discovery about what’s wrong and how things “should” be. Did you get it all out? If not—keep going! Come back when you’ve gotten it all out. Now complete this sentence: When I tune in to __________ [the problem], I feel entitled to __________ [how things “should” be]. Good job! You’ve stated something unarguable! Now consciously shift your attention to find and notice anything that you can appreciate about the way things are exactly right here, right now. Give that your attention. Once you are feeling yourself back in your body and your creative brain, one thing you might ask yourself is, “How can I become a source of what I most want in the world?”
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Consciously creating a context of appreciation is the foundation upon which all transformation rides.
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Appreciation is the antidote to entitlement, blame, and criticism.
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If you would like to receive an email every day for thirty days with an appreciation prompt to support you in developing this new habit, sign up at www.billionsinstitute.com/appreciation-challenge.
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- [note::!action]

Here’s what I might have said: “I heard that you had called our campaign a good ‘marketing’ campaign. I feel sad and angry that you said that. I’ve made up a story that you are enabling communities to avoid doing the hard work of housing people who were living on the streets. I’ve also made up the story that you are undermining our work. These are just stories that I’ve made up without checking in with you, and I realized maybe I’m missing some important information. Would you be willing to shed some light on where you’re coming from here?”
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- [note::I like this "I'm creating a story" approach to approaching confict]

Likewise, many of us were socialized to conceal our truth from others. Some of us, especially those of us who have experienced marginalization in our lives, have received all too much pushback that our truth is not welcome here. Even worse, that it’s not safe for us to speak freely. This socialization is pervasive, it’s real, and it serves to keep the oppressive patterns going. While not without its risks, revealing holds the potential to shift this context. Revealing simply means disclosing important information to affected parties. Doing so effectively occurs when what you say both in words and in body language is in alignment with your truth. When you choose to reveal, you use your personal power to shift the context in ways that are far more powerful than making yourself small or going with the flow.
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The simplest way to get started with revealing is to say something that cannot be argued with. And there are only so many things you can say that can’t be argued with, so let’s get those categories out there first. No one can argue with us if these are the things we speak about: Body sensations (I have butterflies in my stomach.) Feelings (I feel scared.) Thoughts (This reminds me of something that happened in third grade.) Requests (Would you be willing to . . . ?)
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Speaking Unarguably
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If anyone tries to argue with us about our body sensations, our feelings, our thoughts, or our wants, it’s not helpful to stay in the details. Telescope the conversation out and talk about the bigger picture, as in, “I noticed I said something one would think is unarguable—that I felt sad—and you said I didn’t feel sad. Houston, we have a problem.” The key to speaking unarguably is to dig down to get to the kernel of that which cannot be argued with. Sometimes we stop short of going all the way to it, and that’s where we can inadvertently blame and criticize. Keep going until it is something about you (not them). Speaking unarguably is contagious and aligns you (and anyone in your sphere) to what is. To reality. To the present moment.
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Before you go off revealing to people willy-nilly, ask yourself if you want to be in relationship with the person you intend to reveal something to. Revealing, even though it may be painful for others to hear or poorly received, creates the possibility for authentic connection. If…
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Regardless of what you decide, know that revealing is always a gift, both for you and the other person. For you, this will open your energy, fuel your aliveness, and build your empowerment muscles. For the other person, what you offer is both information they would not otherwise have access to and, if you do it well, an invitation into deeper relationship with you. Even if you say something they don’t like or want to hear. Even if you make a mistake (and most of us do), you are creating an opening. And that’s OK, because, as my friend Dr. Michelle Pledger likes to say, practice precedes progress. Likewise, remember that if someone has the courage to reveal something authentic and unarguable to you, that is a gift,…
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Below are some guidelines for revealing in a way that is most likely to be effective: Check yourself. What aspects of your identity and power will help or hinder connection with the other person? What are your intentions? To create connection and share something that is true about you with the intention that it will be of service to your work to make the world a better place? Or a hit-and-run to get it off your chest? Only proceed if your answer is to create connection. If it is to score a point, do a Persona Interview (appendix B) with the persona that believes this is a good idea. Then come back later when you’re in your essence. Ask the other person if they are available for connection. This allows the other person to check into their own emotional and psychic state and decide whether or not now is a good time. You might ask, “Are you available for me to share something important with you?” or “Is now a good time for us to talk?” Wait to see what they say. Listen not only to their words, but also observe their body language. Assess whether or not they are truly available to receive what you want to share. Remember your work on knowing your yeses and nos? Extend this grace to others. Wait until you hear a definite yes. Timing matters. Find a time for connection that is unhurried and spacious. Anytime you’re rushing or hurrying, you’re inevitably in the gravitational pull of the Drama Triangle. So don’t do it until you and the other person are able to speak without needing to rush. When you do talk, share something about yourself and something that cannot be argued with. This is what therapists are talking about when they encourage couples to use “I” statements. But I’ve found people screw that up, too, saying something like “I feel like you’re a terrible person” and then saying, “What?! I used an ‘I’ statement!” Appreciate the other person for listening to you. Stop talking. Listen and remain open to what you might learn. It’s OK at this point for you to allow some uncomfortable silence. Remember that you had time to prepare for this and the other person may…
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If you catch yourself blaming or criticizing yourself or someone else, correct it immediately. Out loud. Say to yourself or the other person, “Oh my gosh, I just realized I was criticizing you a minute ago. I think I might be scared about __________. I apologize for criticizing you.” How amazing would it be if someone who had just blamed or criticized you said that to you, right? So instead of hoping the clue bird will land on other…
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If somebody blames or criticizes you, you can simply communicate a body sensation. “Oh wow. When you said that, I noticed I stopped breathing for a minute.” Just that burst of authenticity is feedback to the other person…
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If somebody seems unwilling to make a decision, make a request. “Would you be willing to let us know how you want that decision to be made by the time our team meets again next Tuesday?” Clear, simple, direct requests are exceedingly rare in most organizations that I’ve known. They go like this: “Would you be willing to . . . [fill in the blank with exactly what you want]?”…
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If you are micromanaging somebody, you could interrupt that pattern with a reveal. It could go something like this: “I’ve noticed that I am nitpicking your decisions left and right, and what I really want is for you to fully own this process from start to finish without any involvement from me. Can we sit down for an hour later today so I…
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- micromanagement, emotional transparency, management, transparency, delegation,

And if you are being micromanaged, you could interrupt that pattern with a simple reveal about your body sensations and what you want. “I noticed I closed down a little bit there, and I had the thought that I’ll never be good at this. And I really want to do this part of my job incredibly well, and I feel…
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Concealing is withholding important information from an affected party. Revealing is disclosing important information to an affected party. Revealing, though not without risk, creates the possibility for transformation.
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Only reveal to people you want to be closer to, because that will inevitably happen, even if you do it wrong.
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Speaking unarguably means restricting your reveal to things that cannot be argued with, namely, your body sensations, your emotions, your thoughts, and your requests.
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Here’s the deal: you can’t make big, bold change in the world without other people joining you for the cause. It’s too much for you to do by yourself. And the number-one thing that will sabotage your team and your efforts is poor agreements. Teams that make big, bold change in the world are built one healthy agreement at a time.
- Location 2854
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Let’s start with two basic kinds of agreements: explicit and implicit. In the US, we drive on the right side of the road; in the UK, people drive on the left side of the road. These are explicit agreements because they’re codified in motor vehicle laws. Other examples of explicit agreements might be an employee manual or the scope of work in a contract. Explicit agreements are out in the open and available for everyone to easily find and interpret. But how many miles over the speed limit can you drive without getting a ticket? That one is not as obvious and it’s definitely not written down anywhere. In some places, whether or not you get stopped by the police or get a ticket has nothing to do with how fast you were driving and everything to do with your race or social status. Sometimes when I’m in an unfamiliar city, I defer to how fast the locals are driving by keeping up with the traffic. As long as I’m driving safely, I assume I will not get a ticket, even if I’m going a little bit over the…
- Location 2860
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The first step is to make implicit agreements explicit. To use the skill of speaking unarguably from the last chapter and state without any judgment, “I’ve assumed that an unwritten rule around here is that we work on weekends. Did I get that right?” Then, once everything is out in the open, the next…
- Location 2872
- agreements, implicit agreements, explicit agreements,

Here are four principles for healthy agreements: Only say yes to things you actually want to do. Say no to things you don’t want to do. Do the things you agreed to do, on time, without needing to be reminded. If an agreement…
- Location 2876
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- [note::Easier said than done lol]

My role within the team was to be a sounding board, to support the team as a whole and each member individually to make good decisions and grow through challenges. My role was not to follow up on them to make sure they did what they said they were going to do. I was adamant that I was unwilling to supervise anyone in the traditional sense of that word. That’s junior varsity, I told them. And this team is varsity! Think about how much time is wasted as a supervisor by checking up on whether or not someone did what they said they were going to do. We created an explicit agreement that we would do what we said we’d do and proactively change agreements if they weren’t working. I didn’t have to waste any…
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- [note::Establishing explicit agreements helps reduce ambiguity and set clear expectations that allows all team members to hold one another accountable and collaborately more seamlessly together.]

One thing you might consider doing right now is deciding that you are a leader who creates a context for healthy agreements within your teams or…
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One technique I use to create that room for my own inner wisdom to surface is to say something like, “Oh, that’s an interesting idea. Thank you for thinking of me. Can I sleep on that and get back to you with a decision tomorrow?” If I don’t feel a full-body yes immediately, that buys me twenty-four hours and some space away from people to tap into my own authentic yes or no.
- Location 2897
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I think sometimes people hold themselves back from expressing their no because they’re afraid it will end the relationship, or they’ll get fired. And that could happen. But only if the relationship wasn’t worth maintaining in the first place. In most cases, it’s possible to express your truth and maintain the relationship. In fact, I believe that speaking your truth is the only thing that makes a healthy relationship possible at work or in your personal life. So, this isn’t about saying, “No, and by the way, screw you!” This is more like “I realized that I don’t actually want to walk your dogs, and I care about you, and I’d love to be helpful in figuring out how everyone can get what they need.”
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A quick note for people with societal or positional power: you might get away with more broken agreements than you’re even consciously aware of because your colleagues will be reluctant to hold you accountable, which at first might seem like a perk of being the boss. The problem is that you have a disproportionate impact on the leadership tone and context of your organization. So if you’re sucky at agreements, you’re tacitly giving everyone else permission to be, too. It’s all the more important for you to publicly hold yourself accountable for keeping the agreements you make. So please read this section closely and assume you’re guilty.
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