(highlight:: How Masculine Culture Emotional Stunts Middle School Boys
Summary:
Middle school is often a time for social cruelty and a rite of passage, but it can emotionally stunt kids.
Talking to Una made me realize how boring and stunted the boys in my school were. This behavior can last into adulthood.
Transcript:
Speaker 1
This premise I've absorbed from friends and professionals, from books and movies that suffering social cruelty is just what middle school is about. It's developmental, a rite of passage. Kids try on new identities and it's hard to watch but they'll be stronger for it in the end. It was good to talk to Una about the boys in Hux School, what they were doing to each other. She reminded me of the stakes.
Speaker 5
It made me think a lot differently about the boys in my middle school and how boring most of them were and to feel like, oh wow, they were really stunted. And that's what I'm experiencing. Like the behavior that's being enacted is emotionally stunting these kids and keeping them from having access to who they are in a much fuller way. And that that stunting for some men lasts their whole lives. It feels like definitely into adulthood.)
- Time 0:25:07
- adolescence, midde school, emotional stunting, right of passage,

(highlight:: Huc's Experience Comparing to What I Remember From My Adolescence
Transcript:
Speaker 3
You know, I have a lot of thoughts about that story and I have to imagine most people will have an opinion one way or the other, right? We're probably going to get feedback. I find it difficult to question what's happening in any other family because frankly grappling with all of this stuff as a parent is really freaking hard. I mean, my son faced a lot of the same pressures at his elementary and his middle school, even in high school. Mine too. He wasn't accepted by the cool kids partly because he embraced difference. I mean, I asked him about this recently and he said he consoled himself for being ostracized by telling himself how dumb those kids were to make fun of gay people. So in other words, his refusal to say sexist and homophobic stuff wasn't just the cause of his unpopularity. It was also his consolation. That's really interesting. Yeah. So John, how does Huc's experience compare with what you remember from your own adolescence?
Speaker 2
It sounds familiar, but actually, if anything, more harsh. Really? Some of what Huc is describing, I mean. We've already talked about my friends and me throwing the word woman around as an insult, but I don't remember direct conflict like the ones that Huc describes, especially kids calling Each other homophobic names. Now my friends and I were homophobic just among ourselves with our little quote unquote jokes. And I cringe to say that now. I work with gay people every day. I have lots of good friends who are gay and lesbian, but yeah, in my young life queerness was something to joke about.
Speaker 3
I mean, to be fair, our entire culture was pretty homophobic. Go back and watch the police academy movies. I dare you. Right. In Beverly Hills Cop.)
- Time 0:37:36
-

(highlight:: The Patriarchy Influences Children from a Very Young Age
Summary:
Gender is largely a social construct, and the impact of patriarchy on children can be severe.
Girls experience trauma in adolescence, learning to over-accommodate and resent societal expectations. On the other hand, boys are pressured to suppress their emotions from a young age.
Breaking free from these patriarchal norms can be challenging, as societal codes are deeply ingrained.
Transcript:
Speaker 3
But of course, what we've said again and again in this series is that when it comes to personality traits and mental aptitudes, gender is mostly if not entirely a social construct.
Speaker 2
In other words, not natural, not baked in. And Terry Reel says when it hits kids, when the patriarchy lands on them as he puts it, the psychic results can be severe.
Speaker 4
Now if you read the literature on girls and girls development, that trauma, and I use that word on purpose is traumatic to excise to cut off half of your humanity. That trauma lands on girls about 12, 13, 11, 12, 13, the edge of adolescence. That's when they learn what Carol Gilligan calls the tyranny of the nice and kind. They learn to over accommodate and resent it. That's the traditional setup. 50 years of the woman's movement has changed that for a lot of girls and women. They're still part of the culture.
Speaker 2
We'll come back to that change that he refers to in a minute. But Reel says the patriarchy comes down on boys and demands they give up half of themselves much earlier than girls, age three, four, five.
Speaker 4
Before our children have entered kindergarten, they show demonstrable, disinclination to be emotional. They'll feel it, but they already know better than to express it on the playground. They've already learned the code. I say before our kids have learned to read, they have read the code of patriarchy and they're right. If you step outside of that code, your liberal family may support you, but boy, don't, you better watch yourself on the playground because that code is very much alive and well.)
- Time 0:43:38
-

(highlight:: The Masculine Straight Jacket: Men's Perceptions of Masculinity Hasn't Changed in 50 Years
Summary:
Girls and women have made significant progress in challenging traditional gender roles, but the same cannot be said for boys and men.
A recent survey showed that boys' perception of male characteristics has changed very little over the past 50 years. The patriarchal idea of power, invulnerability, and independence still dominates.
We must work towards breaking free from the restrictive expectations of masculinity.
Transcript:
Speaker 3
And even though there's a long way and I mean a really long way to go, we have seen real change on the women's side of the ledger as Tera Reel alluded to. More and more, we're encouraging girls to be strong and assertive and accomplished if they want to be. And lots of girls and women are doing that. They no longer feel an obligation to take a back seat to men. The question is, are we seeing an equivalent expansion in the masculine straight jacket?
Speaker 2
And Tera Reel's answer to that question is no. He mentions a recent survey that asked boys what they think of as male characteristics. In the study looked at how much those answers have changed over these decades that coincide with the modern feminist movement.
Speaker 4
When they did this survey of tens of thousands of kids and they surveyed boys, you know a difference they found from the way boys saw themselves 50 years ago?
Speaker 2
Very little. None.
Speaker 4
Patriarchy reigns supreme. With power, invulnerability, independence, all the old values were what our boys think being a man is all about.)
- Time 0:45:54
-

Advice for Parents: Talking with Boys About the Pros and Cons of Gender (Non-Conformance
Summary:
Tera Reel advises parents to be gender literate and talk openly with their children about the choices they face.
They can either be true to themselves and face consequences, or conform and lose themselves. Having a conversation about the ramifications of each choice is important.
Transcript:
Speaker 3
What advice does Tera Reel have for parents like Ben and Una?
Speaker 2
He tells parents it's important to be gender literate, meaning understand things like that binary process he just described and what it demands of kids of any gender. And he said with a kid in Hux situation, the best thing parents can do is talk with the boy and lay it out for him.
Speaker 4
Basically explain the choice that the boy faces. And the binary under patriarchy is that you could be true to yourself and be a whole person. You can venture into those feminine qualities, quote unquote, and pay the price. Or you can conform and lose yourself and pay that price. What would you like to do, little Johnny? And let's talk about the ramifications of either choice.)
- Time 0:47:06
-

(highlight:: Make Men Whole Again: 911 Responders as Models of Masculinity
Summary:
"I'm not trying to feminize anybody. I'm trying to insist on wholeness for both our boys and our girls." This is the message conveyed by the speaker, who admires the masculinity displayed by the first responders during 9-11. They believe that one can be tough, strong, brave, and have a big heart all at the same time.
The speaker wants to challenge the societal norms that divide people based on gender and aims to promote inclusivity and understanding.
They emphasize the need for a gender literacy among influential figures in children's lives, such as parents, teachers, and coaches, to allow young people to be true to themselves.
Transcript:
Speaker 4
People tell me sometimes that I'm trying to feminize men. That just makes me crazy. I'm not trying to feminize anybody. I'm trying to insist on wholeness for both our boys and our girls. You know, one of the great models of masculinity for me was in 9-11, the first was responders in New York. These are tough New York cops and firemen. They were there and you saw pictures of them crying in each other's arms and comforting each other. And you know what? You can be tough and you can be strong and you can be brave and you can have a big heart, all at the same time. That's what I want. I want to undo the halving process. I want us to be whole again. Strong and sensitive at the same time.
Speaker 3
We really, we need an honest reckoning here, a new recognition of the sexist foundations of our culture and how it molds both our kids and us. We've got to let young people be who they are. Boys, girls, gay and straight, genderqueer and trans kids, more people with influence in the lives of children, not only parents, but also teachers and administrators and coaches, People running youth programs. They need to have this gender literacy themselves so they can teach kids and their parents a different way.)
- Time 0:50:40
-

(highlight:: How Masculine Culture Emotional Stunts Middle School Boys
Summary:
Middle school is often a time for social cruelty and a rite of passage, but it can emotionally stunt kids.
Talking to Una made me realize how boring and stunted the boys in my school were. This behavior can last into adulthood.
Transcript:
Speaker 1
This premise I've absorbed from friends and professionals, from books and movies that suffering social cruelty is just what middle school is about. It's developmental, a rite of passage. Kids try on new identities and it's hard to watch but they'll be stronger for it in the end. It was good to talk to Una about the boys in Hux School, what they were doing to each other. She reminded me of the stakes.
Speaker 5
It made me think a lot differently about the boys in my middle school and how boring most of them were and to feel like, oh wow, they were really stunted. And that's what I'm experiencing. Like the behavior that's being enacted is emotionally stunting these kids and keeping them from having access to who they are in a much fuller way. And that that stunting for some men lasts their whole lives. It feels like definitely into adulthood.)
- Time 0:25:07
- adolescence, midde school, emotional stunting, right of passage,

(highlight:: Huc's Experience Comparing to What I Remember From My Adolescence
Transcript:
Speaker 3
You know, I have a lot of thoughts about that story and I have to imagine most people will have an opinion one way or the other, right? We're probably going to get feedback. I find it difficult to question what's happening in any other family because frankly grappling with all of this stuff as a parent is really freaking hard. I mean, my son faced a lot of the same pressures at his elementary and his middle school, even in high school. Mine too. He wasn't accepted by the cool kids partly because he embraced difference. I mean, I asked him about this recently and he said he consoled himself for being ostracized by telling himself how dumb those kids were to make fun of gay people. So in other words, his refusal to say sexist and homophobic stuff wasn't just the cause of his unpopularity. It was also his consolation. That's really interesting. Yeah. So John, how does Huc's experience compare with what you remember from your own adolescence?
Speaker 2
It sounds familiar, but actually, if anything, more harsh. Really? Some of what Huc is describing, I mean. We've already talked about my friends and me throwing the word woman around as an insult, but I don't remember direct conflict like the ones that Huc describes, especially kids calling Each other homophobic names. Now my friends and I were homophobic just among ourselves with our little quote unquote jokes. And I cringe to say that now. I work with gay people every day. I have lots of good friends who are gay and lesbian, but yeah, in my young life queerness was something to joke about.
Speaker 3
I mean, to be fair, our entire culture was pretty homophobic. Go back and watch the police academy movies. I dare you. Right. In Beverly Hills Cop.)
- Time 0:37:36
-

(highlight:: The Patriarchy Influences Children from a Very Young Age
Summary:
Gender is largely a social construct, and the impact of patriarchy on children can be severe.
Girls experience trauma in adolescence, learning to over-accommodate and resent societal expectations. On the other hand, boys are pressured to suppress their emotions from a young age.
Breaking free from these patriarchal norms can be challenging, as societal codes are deeply ingrained.
Transcript:
Speaker 3
But of course, what we've said again and again in this series is that when it comes to personality traits and mental aptitudes, gender is mostly if not entirely a social construct.
Speaker 2
In other words, not natural, not baked in. And Terry Reel says when it hits kids, when the patriarchy lands on them as he puts it, the psychic results can be severe.
Speaker 4
Now if you read the literature on girls and girls development, that trauma, and I use that word on purpose is traumatic to excise to cut off half of your humanity. That trauma lands on girls about 12, 13, 11, 12, 13, the edge of adolescence. That's when they learn what Carol Gilligan calls the tyranny of the nice and kind. They learn to over accommodate and resent it. That's the traditional setup. 50 years of the woman's movement has changed that for a lot of girls and women. They're still part of the culture.
Speaker 2
We'll come back to that change that he refers to in a minute. But Reel says the patriarchy comes down on boys and demands they give up half of themselves much earlier than girls, age three, four, five.
Speaker 4
Before our children have entered kindergarten, they show demonstrable, disinclination to be emotional. They'll feel it, but they already know better than to express it on the playground. They've already learned the code. I say before our kids have learned to read, they have read the code of patriarchy and they're right. If you step outside of that code, your liberal family may support you, but boy, don't, you better watch yourself on the playground because that code is very much alive and well.)
- Time 0:43:38
-

(highlight:: The Masculine Straight Jacket: Men's Perceptions of Masculinity Hasn't Changed in 50 Years
Summary:
Girls and women have made significant progress in challenging traditional gender roles, but the same cannot be said for boys and men.
A recent survey showed that boys' perception of male characteristics has changed very little over the past 50 years. The patriarchal idea of power, invulnerability, and independence still dominates.
We must work towards breaking free from the restrictive expectations of masculinity.
Transcript:
Speaker 3
And even though there's a long way and I mean a really long way to go, we have seen real change on the women's side of the ledger as Tera Reel alluded to. More and more, we're encouraging girls to be strong and assertive and accomplished if they want to be. And lots of girls and women are doing that. They no longer feel an obligation to take a back seat to men. The question is, are we seeing an equivalent expansion in the masculine straight jacket?
Speaker 2
And Tera Reel's answer to that question is no. He mentions a recent survey that asked boys what they think of as male characteristics. In the study looked at how much those answers have changed over these decades that coincide with the modern feminist movement.
Speaker 4
When they did this survey of tens of thousands of kids and they surveyed boys, you know a difference they found from the way boys saw themselves 50 years ago?
Speaker 2
Very little. None.
Speaker 4
Patriarchy reigns supreme. With power, invulnerability, independence, all the old values were what our boys think being a man is all about.)
- Time 0:45:54
-

Advice for Parents: Talking with Boys About the Pros and Cons of Gender (Non-Conformance
Summary:
Tera Reel advises parents to be gender literate and talk openly with their children about the choices they face.
They can either be true to themselves and face consequences, or conform and lose themselves. Having a conversation about the ramifications of each choice is important.
Transcript:
Speaker 3
What advice does Tera Reel have for parents like Ben and Una?
Speaker 2
He tells parents it's important to be gender literate, meaning understand things like that binary process he just described and what it demands of kids of any gender. And he said with a kid in Hux situation, the best thing parents can do is talk with the boy and lay it out for him.
Speaker 4
Basically explain the choice that the boy faces. And the binary under patriarchy is that you could be true to yourself and be a whole person. You can venture into those feminine qualities, quote unquote, and pay the price. Or you can conform and lose yourself and pay that price. What would you like to do, little Johnny? And let's talk about the ramifications of either choice.)
- Time 0:47:06
-

(highlight:: Make Men Whole Again: 911 Responders as Models of Masculinity
Summary:
"I'm not trying to feminize anybody. I'm trying to insist on wholeness for both our boys and our girls." This is the message conveyed by the speaker, who admires the masculinity displayed by the first responders during 9-11. They believe that one can be tough, strong, brave, and have a big heart all at the same time.
The speaker wants to challenge the societal norms that divide people based on gender and aims to promote inclusivity and understanding.
They emphasize the need for a gender literacy among influential figures in children's lives, such as parents, teachers, and coaches, to allow young people to be true to themselves.
Transcript:
Speaker 4
People tell me sometimes that I'm trying to feminize men. That just makes me crazy. I'm not trying to feminize anybody. I'm trying to insist on wholeness for both our boys and our girls. You know, one of the great models of masculinity for me was in 9-11, the first was responders in New York. These are tough New York cops and firemen. They were there and you saw pictures of them crying in each other's arms and comforting each other. And you know what? You can be tough and you can be strong and you can be brave and you can have a big heart, all at the same time. That's what I want. I want to undo the halving process. I want us to be whole again. Strong and sensitive at the same time.
Speaker 3
We really, we need an honest reckoning here, a new recognition of the sexist foundations of our culture and how it molds both our kids and us. We've got to let young people be who they are. Boys, girls, gay and straight, genderqueer and trans kids, more people with influence in the lives of children, not only parents, but also teachers and administrators and coaches, People running youth programs. They need to have this gender literacy themselves so they can teach kids and their parents a different way.)
- Time 0:50:40
-