(highlight:: Communal v.s. Individualistic Boundaries in Relationships
Transcript:
Speaker 2
Yeah. I think the self-focused boundaries look like in a sort of overarching way. I'm going to fulfill my needs no matter what your needs are which looks like, hey, you know, if you call me really upset at 10 p.m. I'm not going to answer or hey, like I don't need to make time for you because at this time in my life I'm very, very busy. To me, setting a boundary is a communal act. It's like I set this boundary for myself so I can invest in our friendship in the long term and not get burnt out. And it's, I'm going to consider your needs when I set this boundary. And it's almost like a I'm going to set this boundary and also offer an offering like, oh, I'm not free to talk at that time. What about another time? Or even like, you know, I'm not free to come to that but I'm rooting for you and I'm supporting you. Sometimes it's just the affirmation that's the offering.
Speaker 1
Do you have a sense of why you think that is a genre of boundaries that's become popular? Is it sort of self-care, the sense that this is self-care and I need to put my own oxygen mask on before I can put on yours? Yeah, I think about for a lot of like friendship behaviors, there's a emotional incongruency.
Speaker 2
What I mean is that your experience of this act is very different from your friends in a way that you're not always privy to. So you might set this boundary thinking about, oh, I'm really busy and this is going to benefit me. But when your friend receives that boundary, they're feeling like I'm so alone and I have no one in this moment where I really, really need someone. And so there's just this, I guess, this disconnect between our two emotional worlds in that moment because if we're only thinking about our reality it makes a lot of sense. But when we think about our co-realities, our reality and the other person's reality, then we might realize that even if this act benefits us, the cost for our friend or far greater, You know, when you have a healthy relationship, what happens is you begin to include them in your sense of self. So there's a disconnect happening when you're willing to completely upset and let down your friend to meet your own needs. And that's kind of what I'm referring to with these individualistic boundaries, which is like, I'm going to get 100% of my needs met even if 0% of your needs are going to be met. The communal boundary is to protect the relationship. The individualistic boundaries to protect yourself.)
- Time 0:24:43
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(highlight:: Communal v.s. Individualistic Boundaries in Relationships
Transcript:
Speaker 2
Yeah. I think the self-focused boundaries look like in a sort of overarching way. I'm going to fulfill my needs no matter what your needs are which looks like, hey, you know, if you call me really upset at 10 p.m. I'm not going to answer or hey, like I don't need to make time for you because at this time in my life I'm very, very busy. To me, setting a boundary is a communal act. It's like I set this boundary for myself so I can invest in our friendship in the long term and not get burnt out. And it's, I'm going to consider your needs when I set this boundary. And it's almost like a I'm going to set this boundary and also offer an offering like, oh, I'm not free to talk at that time. What about another time? Or even like, you know, I'm not free to come to that but I'm rooting for you and I'm supporting you. Sometimes it's just the affirmation that's the offering.
Speaker 1
Do you have a sense of why you think that is a genre of boundaries that's become popular? Is it sort of self-care, the sense that this is self-care and I need to put my own oxygen mask on before I can put on yours? Yeah, I think about for a lot of like friendship behaviors, there's a emotional incongruency.
Speaker 2
What I mean is that your experience of this act is very different from your friends in a way that you're not always privy to. So you might set this boundary thinking about, oh, I'm really busy and this is going to benefit me. But when your friend receives that boundary, they're feeling like I'm so alone and I have no one in this moment where I really, really need someone. And so there's just this, I guess, this disconnect between our two emotional worlds in that moment because if we're only thinking about our reality it makes a lot of sense. But when we think about our co-realities, our reality and the other person's reality, then we might realize that even if this act benefits us, the cost for our friend or far greater, You know, when you have a healthy relationship, what happens is you begin to include them in your sense of self. So there's a disconnect happening when you're willing to completely upset and let down your friend to meet your own needs. And that's kind of what I'm referring to with these individualistic boundaries, which is like, I'm going to get 100% of my needs met even if 0% of your needs are going to be met. The communal boundary is to protect the relationship. The individualistic boundaries to protect yourself.)
- Time 0:24:43
-