(highlight:: So, there's a few things you need to understand about small talk and why we talk at all, and what makes us enjoy conversation.
First, a lot of introverts say they "don't like shallow conversation" and thus dislike "small talk." But small talk serves and important purpose for strangers. It is a funnel into "deep talk". We don't just go around exposing our inner selves to random strangers. We need to emotionally "vet" them with innocuous "low stake" talk before going deeper.
One of the most important feelings of a human being is that we matter. We need to feel unique, we need to have our identity reaffirmed, that we are a unique thinking and feeling organism.
Conversation is far less about what you say and far more about how you make the other person feel.
True conversational skill is walking the line between saying valuable things and listening to someone else.
Every single human being out there has incredibly deep and interesting knowledge about something. Ask them about it. Threes no shortcut here - learn to genuinely value and be interested in who they are as a human being. Be fascinated in them for just a moment, and you'll make them feel valued, you'll affirm their unique identity and make the conversation far more memorable.
Body language is also important. Soft eye contact - not leering or aggressive, but just seeing them, like you would look a friend or relative in the eyes, is big. Get close, lean towards them, but give them a respectful five or teen feet or personal space.
The single greatest thing introverts get wrong about social interactions is believing the stakes are higher than they are and being to scared to look foolish.
Humans want to connect. Were very forgiving of momentary social faux pauxs. And in fact, we feel warmer towards people who make mistakes, who stutter a bit or maybe make a bit of a fool of themselves but can laugh it off. This disarms people.
The thing that extremely beautiful people often find is that being in crowds can be a little alienating, because people are intimidated by them, and so behave differently around them. We like people who seem "down to earth". We may be a little unnerved at first, but if the other person isn't overly embarrassed by a gaffe, the gaffe ends up endearing us to them.
There was a well known trial lawyer who stuttered, and so despite knowing his cases, tended to stutter while questioning witnesses. But as it turns out, this not only didn't hurt his trials, it actually HELPED him with the jury. The stutter made him seem "honest". The jury trusted him because he was competent, but also down to Earth. He seemed "on their level", because MOST of us aren't perfect and polished speakers with boundless confidence, and so we tend to root for the guy who seems "like us".
Beimg willing to be embarrassed and make gaffes can end up making you more likable, as long as you own those gaffes and are able to laugh at yourself.
So how this works is this:
You walk into a coffee shop. Barrista pours you some coffee. You look at them in the eyes, smile, and say, "Thanks! Looks busy in here, been working long?" Gauge their reaction. Some people are just not in the mood to talk - It has nothing to do with you, they're just going through some shit.
But if the server responds, that's your queue to ask another question. Something shallow but thought provoking. "I bet you get all kinds in here. I had a friend who worked in a coffee shop and would tell me all sorts of stories about people (this is a white lie but it doesn't matter) whats the weirdest customer you've ever had?"
See, this makes it clear you value their stories, their life, their input. This makes people feel valued and included, which is always the most memorable thing for us. You're bridging connection. People just want to be heard, accepted, included. Especially those who often aren't, which is many introverts.
Once you get someone talking about themselves - telling a story, talking about their work, it's much easier to keep going. Don't just hear them, really listen. Be interested in their stories. Notice details and ask questions about it. Many people are fascinating if you give them the chance to be so. Talk about yourself sparingly when asked, and don't make this a grill session - you don't want to act like you're interrogating them about their life, but rather just asking questions about the things they say and do.
You'll be astonished at how after only fifteen minutes people are eagerly telling you their deepest dreams and desires.
And most importantly, don't worry about screwing up. You're going to get some grouches. You're going to say something stupid. It's ok. Laugh off your mistakes, self deprecate, and keep going. If someone is ready giving off "get the fuck away from me" vibes, just do it. It's not about you. Don't take anything personally. It's about them and their life. And if they do seem like they're going through some shit, empathize with them. Ask them, "hey, is everything OK? I know we don't know each other but if you need to talk anything through, I have time". Sometimes they'll tell you to piss off, but sometimes you open a pressure valve for someone who really needs to unload.
The single greatest thing to remember is that this is zero-cost to you. Embarrassment can feel awful, but really it means nothing. People forget about it very quick as long as YOU move past it. That's the key. Learn to brush off your own embarrassment and give other people the social space to mess up and be embarrassing, and they'll love you for it.
If you talk to ten people, and nine of them are abrupt or awkward, but the tenth opens up and becomes a wonderful friend or a fountain or rare widsom, that's an investment that hardly needs to be thought through at all.
Most charismatic leaders, from famous politicians to cult leaders, share on trait - they make others feel special. We think it's about the leader, but it isn't. It's about what the leader can make people feel about themselves. That's the truly meaningful and memorable thing about someone - how they make YOU feel about yourself.
Being fascinated in someone makes them feel fascinating. That's the irony. You're wondering how you can be a fascinating person - the answer is to make others feel like they're fascinating people, because they will remember the person who made them feel that way.
Final piece of advice: our lives are hard, and busy and irritating. People want to be around people who have something to offer them. We like funny people because they make us laugh. We like being aroumd attractive people because they're nice to look at. That may seem transactional, but it's true. When you talk to a stranger, be generous with that time. Engage with the focus on doing something for them. Letting them be heard, giving them an engaged audience for the story of their life, making them feel important, making them feel valued. That emotion you will instill in them is a fiercely powerful one and, stoked properly, will make them remember you for the rest of their lives.)
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