I learned something recently called the BEAR acronym, standing for Beliefs, Excuses, Actions, and Results. Right now, you're dual wielding two self sabotaging mentalities--imposter syndrome, and incompotency. In time, in the face of new responsibilities, you may find yourself subconsiously falling back on these mentalities and shooting yourself in the foot before you even give yourself a chance! This'll lead to dragging your feet, self doubt at every step of the way, and ultimately, poor results that will self perpetuate the mindset thats hanging over your head. "I pushed myself so hard, and this is all i've got to show for it. Meanwhile, my coworker (who seems to have more energy for other things is doing great and handling his or her tasks with relative ease!...if only i had their brain".
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I was in that same position. A job at a well known company, a young superstar manager with high expectations, and high profile jobs. I had got in because i had shown interest in specific areas within the field, did my preparation for the interview, and shown promptness by following up on said interview. But i didn't have the credentials like other junior engineers, and i wasn't as number smart as they were. I eventually internalized "I'm not good at doing ____ calculations, its not my forte" and kindof accepting that as fact instead of doing anything really. I had like 4 whole textbooks to learn from, but why open them if i won't learn anything from it, right? Well, this took a hit on my enthusiasm, and ultimately, in my last days, i was projecting my insecurities outwards, to any 'sympathetic' coworkers of which i was envious of, and to my boss, who initially offered suggestions, but ultimately chose to cut his losses. To quote the Sopranos, my firing was wasn't cinematic.
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2 months later and i was starting another job at a similar company, smaller in scale. At that company, I had about the equal amount of experience as other engineers who were okay, they had information to offer, but they werent the superstars from days past that would look down on me. Critically, they were content with themselves and were running on autopilot, like how i was back then. I'm not going to get beat by these guys, i thought, and i was more serious about work and tried harder. I was given tasks in the fields which i was insecure about before, but since i didnt want to fall behind, i actually tried. I'm still trying.
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What was able to propel me to competency is that I had an idea on how to do things right from observing various managers from my first company. Theoretically, someone who is tracing my story could say that i'm just playing professional monkey see monkey do, but that's besides the point. If you both don't have a good idea of what you're doing AND you don't have anyone you respect to show you the way, then it will truly be up to you to figure out the right way to do it. It's not how it should be at any engineering firm, but that may be the situation you find yourself in. and frankly, that may also mean that you've been left for the fishes.
NOTE: you will not always find out the way to do things by asking How Do you Do this, managers react best to a right-leg-forward-left-leg-forward relationship)
I'll leave you with this: When presented with the thought "It's a skill to convince other people you know what your're talking about", one of my managers said "Say that again". After i repeated, he said "When I don't know something, I go home and I read it as many times as i need to to get the idea in my head".)
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