I feel like I’ve been in similar positions, I keep quitting my really important 9-5 positions whatever, to go back to bartending, burning out on that and repeating. Actually, I had a pretty big crisis about it this last winter, quit my secure job to go be a ski bum (following my dreams!) and then that turned out to also be unfulfilling long term. The reason it was unfulfilling (all of it, the white collar career chasing, the bumming, the bartending I realized, is because of my attitude, and because I was unbalanced.
Growing up, hearing the whole “everyone is special and important and you’re going to do great things!” Kind of created a complex for me, where I was convinced if I didn’t achieve something REALLY impressive I was inherently unworthy of a happy life. I think that’s the meritocratic bullshit they want you to feel so you can “drive innovation and economy” and whatever.
Also, the idea that if you just find that ONE THING you love to do, you can happily do it forever! And for money if you’re lucky!!! is total bullshit too.
Anyways I kind of forgot where I was going with this tangent, but the point is- the whole thing is a rat race. The corporate rat race, the hospitality rat race, the driving-to-whole-foods-thats-owned-by-amazon-to-buy-recycled-toilet-paper rat race. It’s all some bullshit! But whatever, you’re here & so try not to get too caught up in it. It’s all just the play of form and none of it is too serious. Put too much pressure on finding “meaning” and “fulfillment” from literally anything that comes from our fickle society, and you’ll never get it. The truth is, you are already a whole and fulfilled person, you just have to stop looking outside of yourself to validate that. And once you get there, then it really doesn’t matter what kind of rat race you’re running, as long as you like the other rats. To me, a work environment with good people is the most important thing these days, doesn’t matter the field.)
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(highlight:: It's really mind blowing that this is not more common or that it's looked down upon. The world is filled with so many fun things you can do with your free time if you don't consume your entire life with chasing higher and higher salaries in your career. It's so depressing to see time and time again where a person gets to retirement age and they finally start doing the 'fun' things. They spend four decades in a job just trying to pile up as much money and power as possible only to finally do the things they've always wanted to do when they're 65.
My current job allows me to live the exact life I want with just enough luxuries for my family to be happy yet I have enough free time and low stress to be able to pursue all of my favorite hobbies and spend so much time with my infant son.
Sure I could try to continue moving up in the software world and become an engineering manager or a high-level architect but I would have to sacrifice a huge part of my out of work life and I would most definitely bring much more stress into my world. I honestly don't see the point because all that would mean is more money... but I truly have nothing more that I want to buy or own at this point.
As long as my family is happy and we have everything we need I have no interest in increasing my salary just to then increase my bills in a vicious cycle of ladder climbing. I'm going to enjoy life as much as I can now because the truth is waiting until you're 65 and retired to do things outside of your career may just be too late... Even if you are still alive long enough to retire that doesn't mean that you'll be in great health, or even have the mental or physical energy to do all the things that you want to do.)
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