(highlight:: Father of 3 here. Here's my favorite method of ending a tantrum without spanking.
SCREAMING I WANT CHOCOLATE MILK.
Me, softly: I'm sorry buddy, but I can't understand what you're asking when you scream like that.
SCREAMING CHOCOLATE MILK.
Me: What's that? Gosh, I'd really love to help you, but when you scream it just causes my ears to ring!
SCREAMING CHOCOLATE!
Me: This doesn't seem to be working. How about you take a minute and come find me when you can help me understand what you need.
Trying to convince a toddler to not be a jerk is a fools errand. Conditioning your toddler to believe that being a jerk doesn't get them what they want is the key.)
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You want them to learn that when they try to use anger/force to get what they want it doesn't work, and you don't want them to learn that mom and dad sometimes use anger/force to get what they want, because that directly undermines the former message.
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(highlight:: So when my daughter was super young, we followed the American Academy of Pediatrics child psychology recommendations. Basically babies and young toddlers are too young to understand punishments. You have to focus on redirection and positive reinforcement. When they do something good, you give hugs and praise, things they make them feel happy. When they do something bad, you pick them up or try to redirect them to something else interesting. Like they’re trying to smash your dishes, you take them away from the dishes and grab their favorite toys and play near them so they become interested in that. The studies show that babies raised in this way throw less tantrums on average as they are not accustomed to crying or showing rage to get a reaction.
As they get older and are able to understand negative consequences, it becomes about not getting that thing they want, or needing to have quiet time in a safe, supervised environment.
Anecdotal, but for us it seemed to work. My kid is 4 and has never thrown a tantrum. I see other kids at school or outside on the ground yelling and screaming and she asks me why they do that. She still has sad or stubborn times, but there often a reason like she’s tired or hungry that we can solve or talk through.)
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(highlight:: This is fantastic and we followed the same AAP recommendations with my daughter. She’s not yet 2 but the redirection works incredibly well for her and she is one of the happiest kids I know. It makes me very proud.
I’ll add another anecdote to yours—my daughter regularly climbs her changing table and when she first started doing it, it was really stressing me out because she would climb when I was washing dishes and couldn’t get to her quickly, then she would stand up and jump off into my arms once I got close enough to scoop her up. I thought about how to redirect her and instead of threatening something or saying “you better get down from there”, I decided to redirect her and say “show me how you can get down by yourself”. Worked like a charm. Now when she climbs it and I’m over by the sink, I say my phrase and she no longer stands up, but crawls off and onto the side of the couch safely then looks at me for praise. I always say “you did it! You got down safely” and honestly it’s the best outcome. She gets to safely explore her environment in the way she wants, and I don’t have to drop everything I’m doing to come get her.)
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