(highlight:: so. you're in a longterm relationship that no longer feels new. you've sunken into the standard issue LTR pattern, and it's not exciting. you have real world shit going on, like waning friendships and debt. therefore, you feel that you aren't "in love" anymore, and you think with someone else, all this real life stuff will go away, because the problem isn't that it's real life, it's her?
that sum it up?
you can break up with her and find someone different, and for awhile it will feel like you think it should feel, but six years in? same shit. and possibly worse. possibly better. no way to tell, but as you consider this, don't delude yourself into thinking that six years in, this shit isn't normal.
if you aren't into it, let her go find someone that will be. tell her the truth: "i'm bored, and this isn't fun, and i don't love you." don't worry, she'll do the rest for you.
but i urge you to seriously consider that it may just be the inevitable tedium associated with staring at the same face every day, before you do such a thing. breaking up may absolutely be the right thing to do, but your post caught my attention because it's what 95% of us (at least) say, this far into a relationship, and those of us who push past it are unspeakably grateful that we did.
until the next cycle, usually around year 11. and so it goes. the trick to a committed relationship is to understand that it wanes just as often as it waxes.
(it should be noted, i got together with my now-husband around the same age you got together with your girlfriend. i think it was about five years or so in that i started feeling exactly like this. EXACTLY like this. hung in there. six months later - after looking for apartments and planning to leave and confessing to my friends that i just wasn't feeling it anymore - i was more helplessly in love than ever and so fucking glad i didn't fuck shit up. then we got married. then a few years into that, HE went through this. and hung in there. and we just celebrated nine years married, 16 years together, and our marriage is awesome.
this is very common stuff. now, this isn't to say that breaking up isn't sometimes the right thing to do - sometimes it definitely is. but this far in, it's worth thinking about objectively, and putting romantic fairy tale notions of what real love is back on the rom com shelf where they belong, while you do so.)
good luck.)
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Indeed. Most difficult thing in this world is to find someone who truly loves you. OP please think and give this relationship some more attention before you make your decision.
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(highlight:: sage words.
the interesting thing about a long term relationship in which both parties are committed (assuming there's no dealbreaking toxicity) is that each time you overcome one of these waning periods - each time you make a concerted effort to fall back in love - your feelings for your partner not only become more powerful, but your relationship becomes stronger.
in my relationship, we've had three big "we should just call it quits" periods. each time we've fought through it, we've come out on the other side not only newly committed, but also just so incredibly powerfully in love.
there's a reason that "for better or for worse" is present in traditional wedding vows. "worse" isn't always some cataclysmic event - it's usually the little things. like boredom. not feeling "in love" anymore. growing increasingly frustrated with your partner leaving socks all around or going crazy because you left your dishes in the sink. i think a lot of people look at "worse" as stuff like tornadoes and job losses. but it's easy to stick around in times like that; those things aren't really challenges to a relationship.
little things like this - inertia, ennui, sparks of attraction to strangers that convince you something is absent in your home - are the REAL challenges to get through. and when you do, you and your relationship are usually the better for it.
if this guy can't hack the realities of a committed longterm relationship (and the fact that six years later she's still his gf may indicate that's the case), then perhaps he's better off dancing around every few years. but this is what a real relationship is about.
sometimes you're going to look at your partner and feel nothing. or disgust. or frustration. sometimes you can't handle even the sound of his/her voice without wanting to put your fist through a wall. you look at the pretty girl or random stranger in the grocery line and build up in five seconds a fantasy of how much better your life would be if only you were with him/her instead.
here's the thing the OP needs to learn and understand if he ever wants a truly fulfilling relationship, whether with this woman or another: love isn't a feeling. it's an action. if he sits around simply waiting to feel a spark again, he never will.
a famous but reviled radio host used to repeat the following mantra nearly on a daily basis, and it has proven time and time again in my own life to be true: behave as though you're in love, and you will be.
that advice finally clicked, and i put it into practice, with spectacular results. whenever i start feeling bored and disenchanted with my husband (which obviously happens from time to time), and i realize that's what's happening, i start behaving precisely the opposite of how i feel. i make him dinner when i don't feel like it; i put on lingerie even though i'm feeling tired and lazy. if i'm frustrated with him for not helping around the house, i do something unexpected for him, instead. i text him sexy sweet nothings at 2p on a monday just because. and so forth. and sure enough, a few days later, the ennui has passed and i'm doing these things with conviction, and because i want to. and not only that, but he responds in kind, naturally. suddenly he's picking up after himself without me even mentioning it; he's bringing me flowers for no reason; he's offering at midnight to go get me ice cream. and so forth.
people hear all the time that relationships take work, but i think a lot of people don't actually know what that means, and don't understand that the work is in the little things. it's not in the big things. the big things are easy.)
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