(highlight:: It’s so lovely that you are so considerate of how your gf is feeling. You are clearly a compassionate and empathetic soul and I can see you want to make her feel better or more secure.
Many adhd partners describe the feeling of overwhelm a bit like a slowly rising tide. They tread water, masking their behaviours and “making do”, coping as best they can because of the pressures of finances, commitments to work and family, and the added pressures of coping with poor executive functioning, organisation and planning.
The way my partner describes it (and then acts it out) is that when the rushing tide reaches the point where they feel like they are drowning, he shuts down because his brain has reached maximum capacity for ANY thought or interaction. Good/bad/indifferent - any interaction, especially social, are draining. The executive functioning required to be self aware, plan for down time, communicate clearly or demonstrate love and affection fly out the window. The shut down is real - the brain IS actually shutting down. The trauma that they often carry, combined with all these other things, simply outweighs everything else. This isn’t just an adhd thing - nt people do this, of course. But our efforts to self regulate are managed differently.
Regulation can take time - often days - to come back to a point of function. If there are comorbid issues such as anxiety, depression going on, this complicates things further. She likely feels a sense of shame that she isn’t handling herself very well. In fact she’s doing good - by communicating what she needs.
Your message sounds lovely and you are right to worry that it runs the risk of making the situation worse. It’s not personal. In fact it has nothing to do with you. But if you make it worse it will become about you. My suggestion would be to save the message another day. She knows how you feel. She knows you are likely worried and she knows you need reassurance. After a day or two, check in. Hopefully her other stresses might have calmed a bit and she can hear you properly (right now, in her current state, all she will hear is “I want something right now.”)
It’s hard, I know. Especially if we feel insecure and need reassurance. She IS thinking about you. And your message of “I love all versions of you” is the most important part.
Btw, if you hop onto social media and see that she has been online a bit and scrolling through a thousand pages or sites, that’s her getting a dopamine fix or a solid distraction. Again, it isn’t personal, even if it feels like it. I hope this helps xx)
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