(highlight:: Whenever I see stuff like this, I think of one of my favorite quotes from the movie High Fidelity.
"Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."
The delivery always stuck with me.)
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Grass isn't greener on the other side, it's green where you water it
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Honestly, love is a commitment, an action, a choice. I've been with my bf 3 years and I did start getting GIGS a couple times, but I took some time to reflect what was making me feel that way, and effectively communicate it. He actually did fix the real problem. It can happen. You only screw yourself over if you don't give them the chance to fix it.
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(highlight:: When you start to develop GIGS, you do not see the good nearly as much in your partner. You start to "fall out of love" for them and only see their most annoying attributes. Has your partner gained a little weight? That will now gleam to you, and be the only thing you see. Has your partner been a little extra grumpy lately? That is all they are to you, and it is beginning to be a hassle to deal with it. The real way to alleviate GIGS is to ask yourself some of these questions:
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What are they going through right now? What am I going through right now? Are we spending too much time together? Am I okay seeing my partner with someone else? Do I love my partner for who they are and how they make me feel? You'll find that the answers to these questions might help you realize what you would be missing out on if you dumped them. Think about when you first fell in love or some of your favorite memories. You abandon those memories, in a sense, when you dump them. Is such a thing worth it? Speaking from experience- when I dumped my ex, I had seldom thought about our favorite memories. Post break up, however, it was the only thing on my mind for months, and it made me agonize! I promise you, you do not want to be in that position.
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Do deep thinking and communicate with your partner effectively. Tell them what is bothering you and ask them if they have room to grow. Of course, if such issues persist, then perhaps the GIGS is a symbol that you need to move on and find someone new to share your happiness with. However, when all of this is considered, it can save you and your partner from a lot of hurt. Months later, I am at 90% and I slowly growing back up to 100%. Save yourself from the months of feeling 0%, and just talk with your partner people. Wish you the best of luck!)
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A lady at a call center (not a hotline, I think I was taking my ex-wife off the phone bill said to me, "The grass may be greener on the other side, but the water bill is a bitch."
Not gonna lie, it made my week.)
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It’s true — nothing is guaranteed in this life and I fell hard for the fantasy story (I grew up on a lot of Disney movies too so I really bought into it). I was determined to make my first boyfriend my husband. But it didn’t work out and only after gaining some emotional maturity did I realize it was an unfair expectation to have of him and for myself. My upbringing had also conditioned me to value settling with somebody more than being individualized and self-actualized (even if it meant being alone, so I placed a higher value on keeping the relationship going even though it no longer served me. I had not been taught it was ok to discover your own person first in the real world. So I tried to maintain the relationship as long as I could.
To be fair, I wouldn’t say a partner-for-life is a myth. But I wouldn’t capitalize on it too heavily either. The best way to do this is to manage expectations, of yourself and of others (keeping in mind the nature of life is uncertain). And the easiest way to do this is to start getting familiar with what your values are and what you’d like for yourself in this life. Realize that they matter and so does your individuality. The more you are in the habit of doing this now, the less side-tracked you will be chasing false expectations (fantasies) set by others. It’ll save you a lot of precious time and energy in the long run. You may make some mistakes, it’s natural and everyone does. But as much as you can, set yourself up to live life in accordance with who you are as a person and not the expectations of others.
Often the fear of being alone keeps us stuck in dysfunctional relationships and patterns. In my case, my relationship had honest beginnings but it no longer was serving me and I was starting to catch on. That is now no longer an honest mistake. It’s self-betrayal (and a betrayal to others). Because nothing in this life is certain, it also thankfully means that you do not owe your individuality to anyone — you are free to grow, learn, change as a person (your values, your opinions). It might piss some people off in the process, but your greatest fulfillment in life is that you stay true to yourself and not gauging if you’re trying to grow in pace with another person (as I did). As the original post said, to always make room for yourself to grow. Yes, you can grow a little differently from your partner but if your core values are the same and you still vibe, then it’s very possible to make it work. As long as there is a mature understanding and honest communication, it can be done.
In my case, I had a lot of things common with my then-boyfriend — interests, same tastes in movies and music, similar values, but I could no longer vibe with him. My personality and identity had changed (my interests stayed the same but the way I expressed myself and carried myself - my attitude to things - was now different). So he became more of a friend than a boyfriend and I realized that for a friend, he was taking a lot of space in my life. And how little space I had been taking up on mine.
I find it a shame that women are taught early to find somebody and settle, without even having been given a chance to know their own worth and potential. When your life is made to revolve around somebody else so early, it’s little wonder why a lot of women are stuck trying to keep it going because at that point, that’s all they’re left with. Prioritize your own growth and development, even if it means having to grow apart from somebody else. You’ll always find somebody who compliments you for who you are. Don’t hold yourself to not changing (nor the other person). Growth is healthy, even if it’s painful. There’s no virtue in trying to stay the same and dulling your shine for others. I wish relationships were taught in this manner than to be seen as this thing to acquire and keep. If it works out long-term and is genuinely to your liking, then great! If not, it’s not a deficit on your part so don’t feel like you failed. Life unravels differently for different people.)
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