Couples therapist here: It sounds like there are a lot of issues present in your relationship around effectively and honestly communicating needs, desires, and boundaries. There are probably a ton of very understandable reasons for this like how you and your husband saw communication happen between your parents/caregivers growing up, the degree to which each of you have felt it okay to state what you want or what you can't accept in the past, and societal messages about the degree it's acceptable to be your own advocate when it comes certain topics (in this case, sexual fulfillment.
At the core of the issue between you two here is that clear honest communication about your sex life isn't happening. And while every marriage is different, most people have (often unstated) expectations of sexual exclusivity and fidelity in monogamous marriages and so naturally look to their spouses when they begin to feel as if their sexual needs aren't being fulfilled (as you did), especially if their partner has met their needs in the past (as your husband at one point did). (I'm making some assumptions here - my apologies if I'm off base.)
What we often fear from having these conversations openly is that our partner will react in a way that confirms fears already present within us or otherwise emotionally rock our world. "If I tell her that my libido has been going down because we've both gained 25 lbs. and I'm just not feeling in touch with the part of me that feels sexy anymore, she's going to take that really personally, it will make her feel bad and maybe she'll get angry and start telling me how she isn't as attracted to me anymore, we'll have a fight and what will that help?" In our minds, we can often see all the ways that talking about the small issue could lead to much bigger issues that we'd rather remain hidden because to address them would risk destabilizing things in the relationship.
And when we avoid the difficult conversations, we end up in the situation you're in. The question of whether how you handled this is coercive or not is framed, to me, so that the deeper question of "Why can't my husband and I talk honestly about sexual fulfillment?" can be avoided. And I think if you work on your honest communication, that might really help and provide you not just with the answers you seek, but a sense of emotional relief and a potential for renewed intimacy with your husband.
Obviously, seeing a couples therapist and bringing in this post might be a great way to get the ball rolling. I often see my job as being a communication facilitator between couples, helping them and teaching them in our work together how to communicate non-violently and non-painfilly with each other on topics that carry a lot of potential for being hurt.
Hoping you find some resolution in all this. It sounds like a really difficult situation for you and your husband and I'm sorry you're both going through it.)
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