self-regulation is the ability to manage your emotions in a way that is appropriate to the context that you're dealing with okay so this definitely does not mean don't ever feel your emotions it does not mean don't ever show your emotions it just means that when you do become aware of a feeling you're having you know what the appropriate way of dealing with it is and that way of dealing with it helps you get more of what you want out of life not less of what you want out of life
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(highlight:: attunement is the process of tuning in to what's going on for someone else and allowing our internal state to react to their state so if you have a child and the child starts crying the
secure parent might pick the child up and they're gonna see oh my baby's in distress maybe they'll make kind of a sad face back at the baby and rock it a little bit and soothe it until it calms down but that baby is going to see initially that their inner state is mirrored in the parent's face right when the parent kind of gives them a sympathetic look they're showing to the baby i see your pain i'm acknowledging it and now i'm going to help you soothe it that's attunement when we are able to identify what someone else is feeling reflect it back to them accurately)
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(highlight:: insecure attachment forms is when parents are not adequately attuned to their infants so let's say every time you're sad as a baby your parent who might not have a high threshold for tolerating sadness in themselves might pick you up and put a huge smile on their face and try to rock you back and forth and convince you that nothing's wrong and that you feel great that parent though they are well-meaning is not necessarily attuned to you properly therefore you're going to grow up with a sense of confusion about your own internal states are you happy or are you sad because we learn who we are through
our parents helping us make sense of our emotions very early on in life)
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(highlight:: what you are doing to yourself if you have an avoidant attachment style is what a parent might be doing to a child who is crying who they pick up and put a big smile on their face and reflect back to them no no you're not sad you're happy it's confusing for the child and it is still confusing for you inside of your body when you try to convince yourself this thing that is truly happening in my body
is not happening it creates this very bizarre divide between brain and body that can in many cases show up later as psychosomatic illness because what's left unprocessed in the body does not go away in many cases it gets louder and louder until we have to stop and listen to our bodies and on the flip side of things if you have an anxious attachment style you might be good at recognizing and identifying your feelings but what you are missing out on in this process is the part of the process where the parent yes picks up empathizes with and sees the baby's emotion but then they
also help the baby figure out a constructive solution right so when we're using an avoidant attachment strategy we're missing the attunement piece and when we're using an anxious attachment strategy we're missing the solution piece)
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self-regulation is the ability to manage your emotions in a way that is appropriate to the context that you're dealing with okay so this definitely does not mean don't ever feel your emotions it does not mean don't ever show your emotions it just means that when you do become aware of a feeling you're having you know what the appropriate way of dealing with it is and that way of dealing with it helps you get more of what you want out of life not less of what you want out of life
- View Highlight
-

(highlight:: attunement is the process of tuning in to what's going on for someone else and allowing our internal state to react to their state so if you have a child and the child starts crying the
secure parent might pick the child up and they're gonna see oh my baby's in distress maybe they'll make kind of a sad face back at the baby and rock it a little bit and soothe it until it calms down but that baby is going to see initially that their inner state is mirrored in the parent's face right when the parent kind of gives them a sympathetic look they're showing to the baby i see your pain i'm acknowledging it and now i'm going to help you soothe it that's attunement when we are able to identify what someone else is feeling reflect it back to them accurately)
- View Highlight
-

(highlight:: insecure attachment forms is when parents are not adequately attuned to their infants so let's say every time you're sad as a baby your parent who might not have a high threshold for tolerating sadness in themselves might pick you up and put a huge smile on their face and try to rock you back and forth and convince you that nothing's wrong and that you feel great that parent though they are well-meaning is not necessarily attuned to you properly therefore you're going to grow up with a sense of confusion about your own internal states are you happy or are you sad because we learn who we are through
our parents helping us make sense of our emotions very early on in life)
- View Highlight
-

(highlight:: what you are doing to yourself if you have an avoidant attachment style is what a parent might be doing to a child who is crying who they pick up and put a big smile on their face and reflect back to them no no you're not sad you're happy it's confusing for the child and it is still confusing for you inside of your body when you try to convince yourself this thing that is truly happening in my body
is not happening it creates this very bizarre divide between brain and body that can in many cases show up later as psychosomatic illness because what's left unprocessed in the body does not go away in many cases it gets louder and louder until we have to stop and listen to our bodies and on the flip side of things if you have an anxious attachment style you might be good at recognizing and identifying your feelings but what you are missing out on in this process is the part of the process where the parent yes picks up empathizes with and sees the baby's emotion but then they
also help the baby figure out a constructive solution right so when we're using an avoidant attachment strategy we're missing the attunement piece and when we're using an anxious attachment strategy we're missing the solution piece)
- View Highlight
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