Gottman therapists are a good place to start. Just want to highlight that. If for whatever reason you CAN NOT get to a therapist (though I think you probably can, if you follow the advice of some of the other dads here), then at least read their 7 principals of making marriage work and arrange the time to do the exercises with her. It is better than nothing.Sex is important. I work with couples who want to come out of a sexual dry spell but feel too overwhelmed with the HOW of it, and one thing I love about men is that they often value sex enough to say: this isn't the full, rich marriage we could be having. I deserve pleasure and so do you. Sex is part of a healthy partnership. If you talk to her about it again, this is how I'd phrase it: I know there's more pleasure here for us and I want to access it together. I know women are often conditioned into shame and even disgust around sex, and I'm saying that isn't good enough for you. I want better for you than that, and I want better for US than this.Something along those lines. Be real. Be vulnerable. Let it be about her life and pleasure as well as yours. It's ok to want to be desired by your wife. That's so, so valid. It's also ok to give your wife a full body massage more often to get her nervous system calm enough that she can turn on. That is also totally valid. In a full life, both of these things can exist.In my modality of couples work (sex and relationship coaching, not therapy), we start with connection. We do exercises that help your nervous systems regulate when you're with each other so that you're not bracing against each other subconsciously just by being in the same room together. THEN we work on verbal communication. THEN we work on healing wounding patterns (like baggage from childhood, past relationships), and once we have done all that, we can begin to expand with sexual practice. There's sexuality woven throughout the entire body of work, but really, there absolutely must be nervous system regulation and communication in place first if the goal is whole-relationship sexual transformation.And it can happen. It absolutely can happen.I am obviously partial to my own modality, but when it comes to therapy, I like Gottman therapists better than most because they're more rooted in data and outcomes. There are a lot of therapists out there who will just stick you in the same arguments week after week only under scrutiny, and that never helped anyone's libido!Wishing you the very best.
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Gottman therapists are a good place to start. Just want to highlight that. If for whatever reason you CAN NOT get to a therapist (though I think you probably can, if you follow the advice of some of the other dads here), then at least read their 7 principals of making marriage work and arrange the time to do the exercises with her. It is better than nothing.Sex is important. I work with couples who want to come out of a sexual dry spell but feel too overwhelmed with the HOW of it, and one thing I love about men is that they often value sex enough to say: this isn't the full, rich marriage we could be having. I deserve pleasure and so do you. Sex is part of a healthy partnership. If you talk to her about it again, this is how I'd phrase it: I know there's more pleasure here for us and I want to access it together. I know women are often conditioned into shame and even disgust around sex, and I'm saying that isn't good enough for you. I want better for you than that, and I want better for US than this.Something along those lines. Be real. Be vulnerable. Let it be about her life and pleasure as well as yours. It's ok to want to be desired by your wife. That's so, so valid. It's also ok to give your wife a full body massage more often to get her nervous system calm enough that she can turn on. That is also totally valid. In a full life, both of these things can exist.In my modality of couples work (sex and relationship coaching, not therapy), we start with connection. We do exercises that help your nervous systems regulate when you're with each other so that you're not bracing against each other subconsciously just by being in the same room together. THEN we work on verbal communication. THEN we work on healing wounding patterns (like baggage from childhood, past relationships), and once we have done all that, we can begin to expand with sexual practice. There's sexuality woven throughout the entire body of work, but really, there absolutely must be nervous system regulation and communication in place first if the goal is whole-relationship sexual transformation.And it can happen. It absolutely can happen.I am obviously partial to my own modality, but when it comes to therapy, I like Gottman therapists better than most because they're more rooted in data and outcomes. There are a lot of therapists out there who will just stick you in the same arguments week after week only under scrutiny, and that never helped anyone's libido!Wishing you the very best.
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