You can’t be subtle with ADHD. You have to be loud and clear about what’s wrong.As the ADHD partner, I second this. I understand how the dynamics of RSD and/or emotional dysregulation would lead you to believe that you're not "allowed" to be critical and have to instead sugar coat everything. It's a logical reaction to our overreaction. But in reality, it just feels like pandering and further contributes to the parent-child dynamic.And lets be honest, there's no amount of sugar coating that would prevent RSD. The whole idea behind RSD is that we, if not self-managing it, truly hear/feel the "critical" comment to the extreme.With RSD/emotional dysregulation unchecked, *"Would you mind doing the dishes tonight? My back is in a lot of pain." is truly heard and felt as "The least you could do is help out for once by doing the dishes; since my back is killing me because I had to pick up the slack by doing the yard work that I asked you to do 3 weeks ago!"It's the unmanaged RSD/emotional dysregulation that is causing the severity of what's coming across. Changing how "nicely" you ask for the dishes to be done doesn't really play much of a factor, and has an equal likelihood of actually making it worse.I'm not saying to just go off the rails, though at times you'd be fairly justified in doing so, but to be direct. Just say what you need and possibly why you need it; and hopefully with a neutral tone, though that can be unreasonable to expect at times. It's also helpful to keep it focused on you, and your needs.By all means, you'd think this would be the right approach: "Hey honey, just to let you know, you're almost hitting the 2 hour mark. When you get to a good stopping point would you mind wrapping things up and taking care of the rest of the kitchen please?" while holding your lower back and wincing.But what they hear is:You're not managing your timeWhy have you been doing that for almost 2 hours? It should have taken 1, at most...I'm having to remind you, yet again. Which I said I hate doingCan't you see that there are more important things you should be doing?You should have noticed how much pain I'm in a while ago, and taken actionI've done most of the work, you can at least do the last 10%And what they're thinking is:Why are they so pissed? They're the one that keeps saying how much the stains on the couch bother them and makes it hard for them to enjoy relaxing on it. (the comment was in the middle of an argument and was not remotely a key factor)I took the initiative like they said they wanted me to, instead of just waiting to be askedI'm so close to finishing, should I just finish real quick before switching?No... that's what got me in trouble last time.<stops what they're doing immediately, thinking they'll put away the fabric cleaner & bucket once they're done in the kitchen><walks into the kitchen, looks around, and debates in their head for 5 min, trying to decide what "taking care of the rest of the kitchen" means><Decides it's best to just ask, get's halfway down the hallway before deciding against it; thinking it would upset you that they even needed to ask><spends 5 min trying to decide the "correct" order. Remembers top to bottom is what you've said before>You walk into the kitchen to warm up a heat pack (30 min after having asked them to "finish the dishes and wipe down the countertops"), and they're standing on the counter wiping down the cupboards (with the wrong cleaner); while no dishes have been done, the countertops are still filthy, and all the fabric cleaning supplies are still next to the couch... which still has stains left on it...A lot of that can (hopefully) be prevented by instead just saying: "My back is really hurting. I need you to finish washing the dishes for me, and wipe down the countertops."Ultimately it's up to the person with ADHD to manage their own symptoms, but being direct when needing something can help make that a bit easier.
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You can’t be subtle with ADHD. You have to be loud and clear about what’s wrong.As the ADHD partner, I second this. I understand how the dynamics of RSD and/or emotional dysregulation would lead you to believe that you're not "allowed" to be critical and have to instead sugar coat everything. It's a logical reaction to our overreaction. But in reality, it just feels like pandering and further contributes to the parent-child dynamic.And lets be honest, there's no amount of sugar coating that would prevent RSD. The whole idea behind RSD is that we, if not self-managing it, truly hear/feel the "critical" comment to the extreme.With RSD/emotional dysregulation unchecked, *"Would you mind doing the dishes tonight? My back is in a lot of pain." is truly heard and felt as "The least you could do is help out for once by doing the dishes; since my back is killing me because I had to pick up the slack by doing the yard work that I asked you to do 3 weeks ago!"It's the unmanaged RSD/emotional dysregulation that is causing the severity of what's coming across. Changing how "nicely" you ask for the dishes to be done doesn't really play much of a factor, and has an equal likelihood of actually making it worse.I'm not saying to just go off the rails, though at times you'd be fairly justified in doing so, but to be direct. Just say what you need and possibly why you need it; and hopefully with a neutral tone, though that can be unreasonable to expect at times. It's also helpful to keep it focused on you, and your needs.By all means, you'd think this would be the right approach: "Hey honey, just to let you know, you're almost hitting the 2 hour mark. When you get to a good stopping point would you mind wrapping things up and taking care of the rest of the kitchen please?" while holding your lower back and wincing.But what they hear is:You're not managing your timeWhy have you been doing that for almost 2 hours? It should have taken 1, at most...I'm having to remind you, yet again. Which I said I hate doingCan't you see that there are more important things you should be doing?You should have noticed how much pain I'm in a while ago, and taken actionI've done most of the work, you can at least do the last 10%And what they're thinking is:Why are they so pissed? They're the one that keeps saying how much the stains on the couch bother them and makes it hard for them to enjoy relaxing on it. (the comment was in the middle of an argument and was not remotely a key factor)I took the initiative like they said they wanted me to, instead of just waiting to be askedI'm so close to finishing, should I just finish real quick before switching?No... that's what got me in trouble last time.<stops what they're doing immediately, thinking they'll put away the fabric cleaner & bucket once they're done in the kitchen><walks into the kitchen, looks around, and debates in their head for 5 min, trying to decide what "taking care of the rest of the kitchen" means><Decides it's best to just ask, get's halfway down the hallway before deciding against it; thinking it would upset you that they even needed to ask><spends 5 min trying to decide the "correct" order. Remembers top to bottom is what you've said before>You walk into the kitchen to warm up a heat pack (30 min after having asked them to "finish the dishes and wipe down the countertops"), and they're standing on the counter wiping down the cupboards (with the wrong cleaner); while no dishes have been done, the countertops are still filthy, and all the fabric cleaning supplies are still next to the couch... which still has stains left on it...A lot of that can (hopefully) be prevented by instead just saying: "My back is really hurting. I need you to finish washing the dishes for me, and wipe down the countertops."Ultimately it's up to the person with ADHD to manage their own symptoms, but being direct when needing something can help make that a bit easier.
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